Max: THERE'S A WAR GOING ON EVERY NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD. vevo-offizial.blogspot.com
( dance music playing )
BOYS TRYING TO GET LAID.
AND GIRLS TRYING TO GET PAID.
( cash register dings )
NOW MOST BACHELOR PARTIES SUCK.
IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF DRUNKEN DUDES
HUDDLED AROUND A SKANKY STRIPPER.
BUT THIS ONE WAS THE SHIT...
AND ALL BECAUSE OF THIS GUY-- JOHNNY EYELASH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SARAH?
MY SHOE BROKE.
SARAH, HOLD ON, LOOK.
THERE YOU GO.
( gasps ) YOU'RE THE BEST!
( laughing )
( men chattering )
Max: THIS IS A STORY OF LOVE AND ROMANCE...
( men yelling )
AND WHAT COULD BE MORE ROMANTIC THAN WHORES ON ALL FOURS
WITH STICKS POKING OUT OF THEIR ASSES?
( cheering )
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...
NOTHING!
BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS.
OH, NO.
COME ON, LET'S FUCK.
UH, NO, I CAN'T. I GOTTA GET UP FOR WORK.
BUT YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ME HOME, RIGHT?
UH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS, ARE YOU?
NO...AND YOU BETTER NOT TELL NOBODY, EITHER.
IT LOOK LIKE YOU WERE ABOUT TO TELL EVERY GODDAMN BODY.
Max: THERE'S A CERTAIN TYPE OF WOMAN IN L.A.
FROM HERE ON OUT, WE'LL CALL THEM "THE ENEMY."
ACTUALLY, FAHID, THE LAW IS ON PAGE'S SIDE.
THE INJURY WAS SUSTAINED AT WORK, THUS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
SHE WAS DRUNK! SO WHAT?
THERE ARE VERY SPECIFIC RULES.
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO GET ANY GIRLS TO WORK HERE FOR MONTHS.
YOU KNOW WE CAN DO IT.
I SAW YOU ALL OVER HIM!
IF LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD, THEN THIS IS THE FRONT LINE.
I WANT MY HAIR! THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS FIGHTING ABOUT? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?
SHE WENT HOME WITH MY TUESDAY/THURSDAY, AND I REALLY LIKED HIM.
SHE WAS STILL FUCKING WORKING. YOU'RE FIGHTING OVER A CUSTOMER?
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS REALLY ISN'T ANY OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?
I KNOW, BUT CAN YOU TALK, PLEASE.
WHATEVER! UHH!
GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HAVEN'T CHECKED MY EMAIL IN WEEKS.
WHAT?
YOU HAVE AN EMAIL ACCOUNT?
OF COURSE I DO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
NOTHING. JUST...
YOU GIRLS ARE FIGHTING OVER A GUY WHO MOST LIKELY COULDN'T CARE LESS
ABOUT EITHER ONE OF YOU EXCEPT FOR TO STICK IT IN. SHE STARTED IT.
WHAT IS HIS NAME? SHAWN.
LAST NAME? UM, I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I KNOW HE WORKS AT THE BEAUTY BAR.
OH, LOOK. HERE WE GO.
SHAWN, 6'1", SOUR MILK BREATH.
YEAH, THAT'S HIM. THREE STARS IN BED?
LIKE THE RESTAURANT SYSTEM?
NO, SWEETIE, OUT OF TEN. YEAH.
OH, LOOK...HPV.
YEAH, THAT'S HIM.
WHAT? ( mouths )
THAT MOTHERFUCKER. OOH, LET ME SEE.
OH, MY GOD. HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS STUFF?
WE WERE JUST SO OVER THE LYING, THE GAMES, THE CHEATING,
SO WE STARTED A GROUP WITH OUR FRIENDS TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
WOW. THIS THING IS AMAZING.
( crying ) IT WAS...
IT WAS SIX YEARS, AND...
AND IT ENDED SO SUDDENLY.
YEAH, I KNOW, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
AND I THOUGHT THAT THIS WOULD HELP, BUT IT DOESN'T.
NO, I GET IT. I GET IT.
I WAS WALKING HOME FROM THE BAR,
AND I SEE THIS CHICK SITTING AT THE BUS STOP.
SHE WASN'T THE HOTTEST, BUT SHE WAS OK FOR THAT TIME OF NIGHT.
ANYWAY, WE GET TO TALKING, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, SHE'S COMING HOME WITH ME.
I JUST GOT TO GET MY STUFF.
THEN I SEE SHE'S GOT THIS BIG PLASTIC BAG WITH ALL HER STUFF IN IT.
SHE'S A VAGABOND. SHE'S PUTTING THE "HO" IN HOMELESS!
BUT I WAKE UP, AND SHE'S CHECKING HER EMAIL.
I MEAN, THAT MAKES SENSE.
I MEAN, WHERE ELSE SHE GONNA CHECK HER EMAIL?
SHE AIN'T GOT NO WIRELESS INTERNET IN THE BUSHES.
WAIT. I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.
OKAY.
( grunts )
( panting )
THAT IS OUR DATERBASE,
AND ANY TIME ONE OF US MEETS A GUY,
WE PUT ALL HIS INFORMATION IN THERE.
OKAY, BUT WHAT FOR?
WE USED TO BE JUST LIKE YOU TWO--
YOUNG AND INNOCENT.
RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE PREY FOR GUYS LIKE HIM.
HE DOESN'T CARE 'CAUSE THERE'S SO MANY GIRLS IN HOLLYWOOD,
THERE'S NO ACCOUNTABILITY.
BUT ORGANIZED AND TOGETHER,
IDIOTS LIKE HIM, THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE.
SO IT'S LIKE A TRADE UNION FOR HOT CHICKS?
WE GOT A SMART ONE HERE, WENDY.
EXACTLY. GIVE IT A TRY.
GO OUT THERE RIGHT NOW AND DO A DOUBLE ACT.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS. OH, I DON'T KNOW.
GO AHEAD, GO.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, BRO? WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT CHICK? DUDE, SHE WAS FINE.
OHH. YEAH, MAN, I WAS OUTSIDE WITH HER AND HER FRIEND, RIGHT?
OH, NO, THE BUSTED ONE?
YEAH, YEAH, THE BUSTED ONE.
AND, UM, YOU KNOW, SHE WAS GETTING A TEXT FROM SOME DUDE,
AND THEN SHE JUST BROKE OUT,
AND I WAS THERE WITH THE FRIEND,
AND SHE SAID SHE LIVED AROUND THE CORNER, AND I WAS...
REALLY?
YEAH, MAN, I WAS TORE UP DRUNK, MAN.
I SAID FUCK IT.
YEAH, MAN, I MEAN, SHE DID HAVE NICE TITS, THOUGH.
BRO, WE HAVE GOT TO DO BETTER.
( belches )
HEY, BRO, WHEN YOU TAKE THINGIE HOME,
CAN YOU TAKE THIS ONE HOME, TOO? MAYBE HIT A DRIVE-THRU.
OH, YEAH, MAN, I GOT YOU, BUT WE LEAVING NOW.
OH, HEY, NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT OKAY.
HEY. HI.
YEAH, MAN, I GOTTA TAKE THESE HOS HOME, MAN.
AW, SHIT! THAT'S MY NEIGHBOR, JOHNNY EYELASH,
COMING HOME WITH TWO BOMB CHICKS RIGHT NOW.
HE GOT MORE GAME THAN A PHEASANT HUNT. LET'S GO.
HE GONNA CLOWN ME WHEN HE SEES ME WITH THESE GIRLS.
COOL OUT. SQUEEZE THAT. WE GONNA GO IN A SECOND.
YOU'VE SEEN THE ASS, NOW FLASH THE CASH.
FOUR TITTIES AND THE PRICE OF ONE.
DIG DEEP, GENTLEMEN, DIG REAL DEEP.
CAN YOU DO IT?
DO IT
CAN YOU DO IT?
DO IT
CAN YOU DO IT?
I, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN
YOU WERE LATE FOR WORK A MINUTE AGO. YEAH.
WHAT'S ALL THIS CLOWNING BUSINESS?
HEY, MAN, I'M GONNA CALL YOU BACK, MAN.
IS THIS YOUR HOUSE OR YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE?
WE CAN ALL LEAVE NOW,
OR I CAN PULL THE FUCKING FIRE ALARM ON MY WAY OUT.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. WOULD YOU ALL CHILL OUT?
RELAX, MAN. YOU ALL AIN'T GOT NOWHERE TO BE?
( screaming )
OH, MY GOD! WE GOT TWENTIES!
I WANT TO JOIN YOUR CLUB. I WANT TO JOIN YOUR CLUB.
ME TOO! WHAT'S IT CALLED?
THE NAME IS T.O.B. T.O.B.?
JUST COME ON SATURDAY, AND YOU'LL SEE.
OKAY.
WHERE'S YOUR CRAP CAR? MY HEAD HURTS.
I'M REALLY HUNGRY.
DO YOU HAVE AN ASPIRIN?
MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE ASS.
I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY.
JUST GIVE YOUR APPLE, TELL HER SHE'S PRETTY, YOU'LL BE FINE.
WHOA, THOSE CHICKS ARE BUSTED.
GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO THE PHRASE "WALK OF SHAME," HUH?
HEY, LADIES. YEAH.
MAX. WHAT'S UP, MAN?
GOT YOUR HANDS FULL, HUH, LOVERBOY?
YEAH. HEY, LATER, MAN.
HERE, UH, THIS GET YOU, UM, WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING.
FIVE BUCKS? REALLY?
YEAH. UH, OKAY. HOW ABOUT THIS? HERE.
VIENNA SAUSAGES? REALLY?
UM, YEAH. THEY'RE NON-PERISHABLE.
NO, NO, I JUST MEAN--
FUCK YOU!
ALL RIGHT. UH, EMAIL ME.
( door slams )
( horn honks )
WHOO!
( indistinct singing )
FUCK YOU GUYS!
ASSHOLES!
WHAT THE FUCK'S UP WITH YOU HAIR TODAY?
WHY YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT MY SHIT, MAN? JUST TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.
OH, ANYWAY, SO, THESE TWO CHICKS COME IN, RIGHT?
FUCKIN' SMOKIN'. BIG FAKE TITS, YOU KNOW.
AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I'M BUSY, BUT... HOW CAN I RESIST?
BUT AS SOON AS THEY LEFT, I GET THIS FEELING I'VE BEEN CHUMPED.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO PUT ONE OVER ON ME.
LIKE THEY'RE NOT REALLY INTO ME, LIKE THEY'RE PRETENDING.
YEAH.
SO, LATER, I'M PRINTING UP THE T-SHIRTS,
IT ALL STARTS TO MAKE SENSE.
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT
THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED ASSHOLES"?
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE THEY CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH US.
NOW THEY HAVE WHAT? MAN-HATING CLUBS?
OH, MY GOD!
OH, GEE!
JESUS, WATCH WHERE THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING!
MAN, I'M SO SORRY, BROTHER. ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?
NO, I'M NOT OKAY.
( sniffs ) SMELLS DANK IN THERE, MAN.
I GOT YOU.
WE COOL? WHAT IS THIS, A FUCKING BAG OF WEED? ARE YOU KIDDING?
HOW ABOUT YOU CALL AN AMBULANCE? NO NEED TO CONCERN THE AUTHORITIES.
THAT'S NEARLY HALF AN OUNCE.
COME ON, MAN, WHAT CAN I DO? LET'S MAKE THIS RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT YOU LET HER COME RUB IT BETTER?
DO ME A FAVOR...
DUDE, HE IS ALWAYS WITH THE BOMB CHICKS.
MAYBE WE CAN GET HIM TO INTRODUCE US TO SOME.
SHIT, OR MAYBE SHOW US EVEN HOW HE GET SOME OF THOSE CHICKS.
YEAH, I'M DOWN.
AAH.
WHERE DOES IT HURT?
IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE. YEAH.
UH, HEY, MAN, I KNOW HOW YOU CAN HELP US OUT.
ALL RIGHT, NAME IT.
WHY DON'T YOU TEACH US HOW TO GET WITH CHICKS LIKE THAT?
SERIOUSLY? YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS COME BY LATER, AND WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
Max: AND JUST LIKE THAT,
JOHNNY EYELASH AGREED TO BE OUR DRILL INSTRUCTOR.
COME ON, BABY. WHICH IS GOOD...
MAN, YOUR ASS AIN'T EVEN HURT, MAN.
...BECAUSE ACROSS TOWN...
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FEMALES
OF THE T.O.B. OF AMERICA
AND TO THE METHODS BY WHICH IT STANDS,
WITH MANIPULATION, WITH HOT BODS,
IRRESISTIBLE,
WITH LUXURY FOR JUST US,
THAT'S ALL!
( cheering )
OKAY, FIRST, WELCOME, EVERYONE,
AND A SPECIAL HELLO TO OUR NEW PROSPECTS,
YVONNE AND COURTNEY. Women: HI.
WE REALLY HOPE THAT YOU'RE GONNA LIKE WHAT WE'RE ABOUT.
AND A BIG KISS TO LYRIC, WHO, AS OF LAST WEEK,
IS A FULL TASSEL SISTER.
( cheering )
YEAH!
SO, WHAT? YOU GUYS CAN'T GET GIRLFRIENDS?
WE DON'T WANT GIRLFRIENDS. WE WANT TO BANG HOT CHICKS LIKE YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I'M LISTENIN'.
AND PLUS, MAN, WE MADE A PACT IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YEAH, WHEN WE WERE 15.
OH, OHH, MY GOD. HO.
MAN, WHEN WE GET OLDER, WE GONNA BANG CHICKS LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME.
DEFINITELY. OH.
I MEAN, WE DO OKAY WITH THE AVERAGE CHICKS,
BUT THOSE, LIKE, SUPER-DUPER BOMB HOLLYWOOD CHICKS, MAN...
MAN, THEY DON'T EVEN FUCK WITH US.
YEAH, THEY IGNORE US, MAN.
OR MAKE JOKES.
AND IT'S NOT GETTING ANY EASIER, MAN.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
T.O.B. CLUB.
I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS.
SEE, WOMEN ARE NATURALLY MORE DEVIOUS,
BUT IT'S THAT BITCHINESS THAT USUALLY DIVIDES THEM
AND GIVES US GUY AN ANGLE.
DUDE, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE TITS
ON THE GIRLS THAT LEFT THAT WITH ME.
NOW THEY'RE GETTING ORGANIZED.
THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.
REGULAR GUYS LIKE YOU DON'T STAND A CHANCE.
THAT'S WHY WE NEED YOUR HELP.
DUDE, COME ON, JUST PASS ON YOUR WISDOM.
YOU GOTTA HELP US OUT, MAN.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES "BODE" MEAN?
LOOK AT THESE FREAKS, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS, RELAX, JESUS.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT THESE HOT CHICKS YOU'RE SO SCARED OF.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
YOUR AVERAGE HOLLYWOOD BABE.
NICE, RIGHT?
YOU TAKE AWAY THE HAIR...
THE IMPLANTS...
THE LIPO...
THE STRAPPY SHOES, CUTE LITTLE DRESS,
OH, AND THE MAKEUP...
AND THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE LEFT WITH.
NOT PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE.
NOT THAT SMART, NOT THAT INTERESTING--
BASICALLY SOMEONE IN YOUR OWN LEAGUE.
THAT'S THE WAY YOU GOTTA THINK ABOUT 'EM, GUYS.
I SWEAR TO GOD, BEFORE LONG,
YOU'LL BE A GODDAMN HUMAN SHISH KABOB.
DUDE, THAT'S HARSH.
I SWEAR, IT'S AS IF YOU HATE THEM.
MAN, I DON'T HATE 'EM...
ANY MORE THAN A LION HATES A GAZELLE.
BUT I HAD MY HEART BROKEN ONCE...
COME ON, WEN, PLEASE!
IT'S OVER.
SMASHED INTO LITTLE PIECES.
WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK.
ALL I NEED IS A CHANCE. DON'T DO THIS.
BUT I PULLED MYSELF TOGETHER.
AND NOW, I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
COME ON, DON'T GO, MAN.
I LOVE YOU, WENDY.
OKAY, COOL. WHY DO YOU HAVE A LITTLE GIRL'S DOLL?
WHO THE FUCK CARES?
WILL YOU PLEASE HELP US?
HEY, LOOK, I'LL HELP YOU GUYS,
BUT YOU GOTTA DO WHAT I SAY
EXACTLY WHEN I TELL YOU TO DO IT,
NO QUESTIONS ASKED, OR I'M OUT.
ALL RIGHT, COME BACK NEXT WEEK AND BRING YOUR LAPTOPS.
OH, WAIT, I DON'T GOT A LAPTOP, MAN.
I STILL GOT THAT DIALUP SHIT, THAT... ( imitates dialup )
JESUS, CHRIST, YOU GOT A LAPTOP? YES.
YOU GOT A LAPTOP? YEAH, IT'S REALLY NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
SO I CAN SHARE OF YOURS, HUH?
NO, SHARE OFF HIS, DUDE, I GOT A DELL.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
SO, TO BUSINESS...
GRETCHEN, HOW'S YOUR REFINANCE GOING?
OKAY, WELL, THE GUY CAME OVER THE OTHER DAY
AND TOOK ME TO LUNCH, BUT WE GOT A LITTLE TOO DRUNK.
WE DIDN'T FINISH THE PAPERWORK.
Women: GRETCHEN!
I KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
OKAY, LADIES, NOT THIS DATERBASE ONLY WORKS
IF WE KEEP IT UPDATED.
SO DID ANYBODY HAVE A DATE THIS WEEK?
I MET A GUY.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME? ADEN.
ISN'T THAT YOUR OTHER BOYFRIEND'S BEST FRIEND?
YEAH, HE HIT ON ME YESTERDAY
JUST 'CAUSE I WAS SUNBATHING TOPLESS BY HIS POOL.
UHH, SUCH A PIG. I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE WILL USE THAT AGAINST HIM.
ANYONE ELSE? YES, CHANEL?
THERE IS A BIG, HUGE HAIR SPIDER.
IT CRAWLED INTO MY CLOSET, AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND IT.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO INTO MY CLOSET FOR, LIKE, A WEEK.
I'VE BEEN BUYING ALL OF MY CLOTHES BRAND-NEW BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF IT.
THAT'S EASY, I'LL SEND ONCH.
ONCH!
YES, WENDY?
GO! NOW?
NO. TOMORROW. GO.
HOW ABOUT OUR NEW GIRLS? ANYTHING YOU GIRLS NEED?
LIKE WHAT?
ANYTHING?
UM, OKAY, WELL, MY SHOWER KEEPS DRIPPING,
AND IT'S KIND OF GROWING MOLD IN THERE.
I MEAN, I CLEAN IT, BUT--
I'LL SEND ONCH OVER.
HOW MUCH IS THAT GONNA COST?
SWEETIE, WE JUST SAY "OUR HOT GIRLFRIEND"
AND "SHOWER" IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
COOL, THANK YOU.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, YVONNE?
I'M COOL.
REALLY?
I THINK SO.
I MEAN, THIS ALL SEEMS A BIT COLD-HEARTED.
YOU LIKE TO FUCK AND PARTY, DON'T YOU?
YEAH! A LOT.
( laughter )
THOSE ARE MARKETABLE SKILLS.
AND COMPLETELY TAX-FREE, SWEETIE.
I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
THANKS, JOHNNY. BYE, SARAH.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK, ALL RIGHT.
DUDE, YOU ARE LIKE THE KING.
IT'S JUST WORK.
WORK? WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'M IN PHARMACEUTICAL SALES.
YOU A DRUG DEALER? NO, I'M A SALES REP,
FOR, AMONG OTHER THINGS, KELOCOTE.
IT'S AN OINTMENT THAT WOMEN USE AFTER THEY GET BOOB JOBS.
IT HEALS THE SCAR TISSUE.
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU GET PAID TO RUB CREAM
ON WOMEN'S TITTIES, YO?
YEAH. I REALLY AM A BOOB INSPECTOR.
OH, MY GOD.
COME ON IN, GUYS. DAMN.
WHAT KIND OF BENEFITS A JOB LIKE THAT GOT?
THAT'S TIGHT. HA.
AH, MAN, FLING, MAN, THEY GOT SOME SWEET PUSSY ON HERE.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT THE DEAL.
WE COULD HAVE DONE THIS OURSELVES.
NO, DUMBSHIT. THESE ONLINE DATING SITES
ARE A GREAT WAY TO LEARN ABOUT WOMEN
AND THE GAMES THEY PLAY.
( water splashing )
( whistling )
HEY, GIRLS. LOOK WHAT I GOT.
YAY, DRINKS!
OHH!
PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!
I HATE TAN LINES! IT'S TOO NICE OUT HERE!
"DOGS ARE CONTROLLED BY THEIR BASEST MOTIVES.
EAT, SLEEP, AND COPULATE."
DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?
THEY EVEN CALL THEMSELVES DOGS.
IT'S SO PATHETIC.
THEY WOULD SPEND THEIR WHOLE LIFE--
CAR, JOB, AND BEING--
JUST TRYING TO SQUIRT.
( laughing )
YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
"I LIKE CUDDLING, SOFT KISSES, ANIMALS,
"WALKS ON THE BEACH, DINING, A NICE MAN,
SINCERE, KIND"?
THIS SHIT MAKES ME SICK.
WHY? SOME OF THAT STUFF IS CUTE.
OKAY, WINETASTING.
THAT MEANS SHE LIKES TO GET FUCKED UP.
DINING. THAT MEANS YOU TAKE HER OUT TO DINNER.
WHAT, VACATIONS?
YOU THINK SHE'S PAYING FOR THESE VACATIONS?
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER
AND YOU THOUGHT THAT IF YOU WERE REALLY NICE TO A GUY
HE'D BE REALLY NICE BACK?
YES. OH, MY GOD, I DID EVERYTHING FOR HIM.
I MEAN, I REALLY TREATED HIM WELL.
HOW'D THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?
HE SLEPT WITH MY SISTER. AND MY BEST FRIEND.
HEY, DUDE, CHECK OUT THE FRIEND.
YEAH, DUDE, SHE'S FINE.
Max: YEAH, SHE IS BOMB.
BUT TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT ALL THESE PHOTOS.
DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING?
A LOT OF THEM AREN'T FULL BODY SHOTS.
RIGHT.
THEY'RE TAKEN FROM HIGH ANGLES, TOO.
YEAH, LOTS OF THEM ARE WEARING BABY DOLL DRESSES.
YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR BABY DOLL DRESSES?
BECAUSE IT HIDES THEIR FAT ASSES.
SEE, ALL THESE PICTURES,
THEY'RE ALL TRYING TO TRICK YOU IN SOME WAY.
THE PERSONAL AD IS A GREAT WAY
TO UNDERSTAND THE TRUE NATURE OF WOMEN.
YOU'RE BEGINNING TO GET AN IDEA
OF HOW DECEITFUL THE AVERAGE GIRL IS.
WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE AVERAGE GIRLS.
I WANT YOU TO SEPARATE OUT ALL THE HOTTIES,
AND THAT'S WHO WE NEED TO FOCUS ON.
THE TRICK IS TO GET THEM ALL EXCITED,
BUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN,
LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE.
REALLY? OH, YEAH.
OKAY, THE NEXT TIME YOU BRING A GUY HOME,
I WANT YOU TO GET OFF FOR HIM.
I MEAN, MAKE A HUGE SHOW. PORN-STYLE.
OHH! YEAH!
SEXY!
THAT'S IT!
THANK YOU.
AND THEN HE'LL BE SO EXCITED.
OHH, OHH!
BUT DON'T LET HIM PUT IT IN.
AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE,
LEAVE WITHOUT GIVING YOUR NUMBER.
THAT WORKS? OF COURSE.
THE REJECTION PLAYS ON THEIR INSECURITIES,
AND WE ALL KNOW THAT ALL MEN REALLY CARE ABOUT IS TITS AND ASS.
THANK YOU. HA HA HA!
THEY WOULD SIT AROUND OGLING US ALL DAY LONG IF THEY COULD.
( laughter )
OH, MAN, SHE WAS MADE TO GET LAID.
YOU GUYS CHECK THIS OUT, 27 LEVELS OF COMPATIBILITY.
IS HER ASS COMPATIBLE WITH MY DICK?
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS A CUPID SCORE, MAN?
JUST SHOW ME YOUR TITTIES.
RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT MEN ARE DESIGNED TO DO.
GET WITH ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.
NOW, LOOK AT WHAT THEY SAY, FIRST, "NO PLAYERS.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A HOOKUP, THEN MOVE ON, MISTER."
THEN WHY THE FUCK IS SHE STANDING
IN FRONT OF A FERRARI WITH HER TITS OUT?
RIGHT. IT'S TO GET YOU ALL RILED UP.
AND CHECK IT, "I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY
"WHO'S KIND AND LOYAL AND SPIRITUAL
AND CARING AND AMBITIOUS."
AMBITIOUS? DOESN'T REALLY FIT, RIGHT?
THE ONE COMMON WORD IN ALL THE HOTTIES.
YOU KNOW, "GENEROUS" SEEMS TO CROP UP THE MOST.
YEAH, I'M GETTIN' "GENEROUS" A BUNCH, TOO.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE RIGHT THERE. RIGHT, RIGHT.
BUT YOU CAN'T BE GENEROUS IF YOU DON'T HAVE CASH.
YOU KNOW, THE WOMEN WE'RE AFTER ARE MONEY-GRUBBING HOS.
GODDAMN RIGHT.
WE KNOW FROM CAVEMAN TIMES
THAT A MAN IS GENETICALLY PREDISPOSED
TO BE FAITHFUL FOR A MAXIMUM OF THREE YEARS
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR AN INFANT TO LEARN HOW TO WALK.
THEN THEY LEAVE THE CAVE AND THE MOTHER
TO GO SPREAD THEIR SEED FAR AND WIDE.
IT'S JUST HUMAN NATURE,
SO FORGET ABOUT THAT FAIRY TALE, GROWING OLD TOGETHER...
I LOVE FAIRY TALES.
LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE SEEDS TO SPREAD,
BUT WE DO HAVE LEGS.
YEAH, WE DO!
EXACTLY. I MEAN, YOU GUYS ARE ALL COOL AND HIPSTER LOOKING.
WHAT, ARE YOU IN A BAND? YEAH, WE GOT BEATS.
YEAH, LIKE CREEPY BEATS. YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF LIKE A GOTH VIBE
WITH, YOU KNOW, HIP-HOP.
YEAH, LIKE BAUHAUS MEETS BOWWOW,
BUT LIKE MORE PALE. ALL RIGHT, GREAT.
WITH A HINT OF C&C MUSIC FACTORY.
UNLESS YOU'RE FREDDY FUCKING MERCURY,
ALL THAT CONVENTIONAL WISDOM ABOUT BEING IN THE BAND
GETTING YOU LAID DOESN'T APPLY WITH THESE CHICKS.
MAN, THESE CHICKS WERE GETTING DICKED OVER BY BAND DUDES
WHEN YOU WERE STILL POPPING ZITS ON YOUR HISTORY HOMEWORK.
THAT'S YOU, BUDDY!
AND THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT YOUR "GIG" AND YOUR CREEPY BEATS.
SO, LOOK, GO GET YOUR HAIR CUT,
GO SEE MY TAILOR-- HE'LL GET GUYS ALL SORTED OUT--
AND WE'LL GET STARTED.
I'M SORRY. WAIT. TAILOR?
IS THIS GOING TO BE EXPENSIVE?
YEAH, IT'S GOING TO BE EXPENSIVE!
THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.
AND THIS THRIFT-STORE SHIT AND THESE IRONIC T-SHIRTS--
IT'S JUST NOT GONNA CUT IT.
AND WHAT'S WITH THOSE GLASSES-- DO YOU EVEN NEED THOSE GLASSES?
NO, THEY'RE NOT FOR SEEING. IT'S FOR THE LOOK.
YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE STUPID.
AND TAKE OUT THAT FUCKING NOSE RING.
JESUS, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
AND BY GIVING A LITTLE BIT TO A FEW DIFFERENT GUYS,
IF IT'S DONE WITH CLASS,
A WOMAN CAN EASILY SUPPORT HERSELF.
AND THE RICHER THE GUY, THE BIGGER THE PAYOFF.
I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT.
YOU SAID IT.
OKAY, I AM SO IN. WHERE DO WE MEET THESE GUYS?
ELLE, GRETCHEN, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE NEW GIRLS OUT
AND SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE?
YEAH!
OH, MY GOSH, WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN.
( cheering )
I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH.
YOU GOT A CREDIT CARD, DON'T YOU?
YEAH. MY MOM'S. WELL, CHARGE IT.
LOOK, YOU GOTTA AT LEAST LOOK LIKE YOU COULD THROW DOWN SOME CASH, ALL RIGHT?
BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAVE UP, MAN.
I'M PAYING OFF MY STUDENT LOANS.
LOOK, DINGLEBERRY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE RICH.
YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK RICH.
LOOK, MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WAS JUST GONNA GIVE US SOME TIPS,
WE SPEND ALL THIS MONEY... NIGGA, I'M BROKE.
ARE YOU OKAY, YVONNE?
IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN HELP YOU WITH?
NOT REALLY.
ANYTHING YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH?
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO CHANGE ABOUT YOUR BODY?
NO. WHY?
YOU'D BE SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE IF YOU JUST GOT SOME BOOBS.
I LIKE MY BOOBS!
I KNOW, DEAR, BUT THEY'LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
LOCK IT IN. YOU GOT IT LOCKED IN, NOW PUT SOME PRESSURE ON IT.
( choking )
YOU WANNA CUT OFF CIRCULATION TO HIS BRAIN.
THAT'S GOOD. BONES, GOOD JOB.
THANKS. THANKS A LOT, JOHNNY.
THANKS, JOHNNY. YEAH, NO PROBLEM, GUYS.
HEY, NICE SHOES, GUY TOWN. VERY PRETTY.
FAGGOTS. COME ON, MAN.
IS THIS THE ONLY REASON YOU CALLED US DOWN HERE WAS TO MAKE FUN OF US?
NO. IT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON.
I GOT YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
I THINK I CAN HELP. NOW WHAT HAPPENED.
IT WENT PRETTY GOOD. YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO THE VELVET,
YOU KNOW, WE MET THESE CHICKS, WE WAS BUYING THEM DRINKS,
THEY WAS FEELING OUR NEW FLY GEAR AND SHIT... AND MY HAIR.
YEAH, WE EVEN DEFENDED THEM FROM THIS DUDE WHO TRIED TO SNAKE IN.
YEAH, MAN, BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME TO CLOSE THE DEAL UP, MAN,
THIS DUDE INVITED THEM TO SOME JACUZZI PARTY IN THE HILLS, AND THEY ALL BROKE OUT.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT? THEY WERE GONNA BE LIKE,
"NO, LET'S ALL GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND FUCK"?
I WAS HOPING SO.
THERE PROBABLY WASN'T EVEN A PARTY,
BUT THE DUDE HAD A PLAN.
HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.
YOU TELL THEM YOU WANT TO HAVE A PHOTO SHOOT AT YOUR STUDIO
AFTER THE BAR CLOSES.
WILL THEY GO FOR THAT? OF COURSE.
LOOK, THEY SPEND A LOT OF MONEY TO LOOK GOOD,
SO YOU KINDA GOTTA PLAY TO THEIR VANITY.
OKAY, BUT WHERE ARE WE GONNA TAKE THEM?
I DUNNO, MAN, YOU'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
HEY, JOHNNY, LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
WHAT ABOUT A CAMERA? NO, I'VE GOT A CAMERA.
GOOD. BUT YOU ARE GOING TO NEED TO GET A POLAROID, TOO.
POLAROID? THEY DON'T MAKE THAT SHIT NO MORE. THAT'S OLD.
JOHNNY, LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, MAN. LET'S ROLL.
IT DOESN'T MATTER. LOOK, YOU SAID YOU'D DO WHAT I TELL YOU, RIGHT?
TRUST ME. ALL RIGHT, MAN.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PATCH ON YOUR SHOULDER?
IT'S A FLEUR DE LIS. IT'S COOL.
NO, IT'S NOT COOL.
WELL...
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. BYE, LADIES.
Max: SO JOHNNY TOLD US TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE,
BUT I THOUGHT HE SAID "WHORES."
YEAH. I'M UP AND COMING, THOUGH.
I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT.
OH. THIS IS SO OLD.
YOU WANNA COME BACK TO MY BUDDY AARON'S STUDIO, HAVE A PHOTO SHOOT?
A PHOTO SHOOT?
ARE THOSE REAL?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND OUT...MAYBE.
YOU'RE A PHOTOGRAPHER.
ARE THEY PROFESSIONAL?
WELL, YEAH, I GUESS.
LET'S DO IT. YOU GOT SOME BOOZE BACK AT THE OFFICE RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH. A LITTLE, A LITTLE.
WE COULD DO SOME SHOTS TOGETHER.
YEAH, LETS GO PARTY. COME ON.
UH, THIS IS OUR BACKDROP.
LIKE, USUALLY WE HAVE, LIKE, MOUNTAINS AND LAKES
AND THINGS LIKE THAT AND INDIANS IN THE BACKGROUND,
BUT WE ON A TIGHT BUDGET NOW.
UP AGAINST EACH OTHER.
OKAY, JUST LIKE LITTLE CHICKEN STRIPS, THERE YOU GO.
LET ME GET SOME LIGHT. MOVE TO THE RIGHT SOME. MOVE TO THE RIGHT.
RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE A TIGER. TIGERS.
RAWR! ( laughs )
ALL RIGHT, YOU A CHEETAH.
YOU A JAGUAR. YOU A LEOPARD. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
( growling )
HO HO HO! SWEET!
MAN, THAT SHIT WAS CRAZY. SO MANY TITTIES,
I JUST WANTED TO RUN DOWN AND GO...
NICE.
MAN, IT WAS FUCKING TITSVILLE.
SO, WHO'D YOU END UP WITH, AARON?
I ENDED UP WITH THE BLONDIE. UH, COURTNEY. SHE'S SO COOL.
DUDE, I NEARLY MADE OUT WITH THAT ASIAN CHICK.
YEAH, MAN, AND I WAS SNUGGLING UP
WITH SOME OF THE FIRMEST, SMALLEST LITTLE TITTIES
YOU EVER WANNA GET UP AGAINST, MAN.
WAIT. "NEARLY MADE OUT WITH"? "SNUGGLING"?
ARE YOU GUYS IN JUNIOR HIGH?
OKAY, WAIT. NONE OF YOU GOT LAID OUT OF THIS?
FOR CHRISSAKES, YOU BROUGHT 'EM BACK,
YOU GOT 'EM FUCKED UP-- WHAT HAPPENED?
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY BOOZE.
YEAH, I BROKE OUT MY VAPORIZER, BUT--
OKAY, NO BOOZE? WHY NOT?
WHAT IS THIS, AMATEUR HOUR? AND, WHAT, A VAPORIZER?
NO, JOHNNY! I USE VAPORIZER!
OF COURSE YOU DO, SWEETHEART.
I LIKE. IT'S GREAT.
IT'S GREAT FOR WASTING WEED.
NO. NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T DO IT RIGHT.
YOU HAVE TO SUCK HARD. I SUCK HARD.
I SUCK SO HARD. YOU KNOW I SUCK GOOD.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO, SWEETHEART.
YOU'RE SO BAD. YOU'RE BAD.
YOU'RE BAD. EVIL.
MAX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING SMOKING A BLUNT FOR?
WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID IT WAS COOL TO SMOKE HERE.
CLAUDIA. TIME FOR MY MEDICINE.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT. THIS IS COLD-SORE CHRONIC.
I DON'T WANT YOUR HEPATITIS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, CLAUDIA.
I USE A CARBONITE.
YOU GRIND IT UP FINE, THE WATER COOLS THE SMOKE,
AND THE CARBON TRAPS THE GUNK.
HERE, CHECK IT.
BLACK SMOKE IN...
WHITE SMOKE OUT.
IT'S A MONSTER HIT, NO COUGHING.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS HOW YOU GET HER PROPERLY STONED.
THANKS, CLAUDIA.
Max: OH, MAN, THAT'S TIGHT.
SO, ALL RIGHT, WELL, NEXT TIME--
NO, NO, NO. NO NEXT TIME.
LATE-NIGHT WEED IS ONLY GONNA GET HER
HUNGRY OR TIRED OR PARANOID.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?
WEED IS FOR DAYTIME. COKE IS FOR NIGHTTIME.
YEAH, MAN, BUT WE DON'T REALLY DO COKE.
I DO. SINCE WHEN?
WELL, YOU DO NOW MAX. YOU'RE A BIG BOY.
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ASKING YOU TO SHOOT UP IN YOUR EYEBALL!
I THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT.
OKAY, JOHNNY, ALL DONE. YOU LIKE?
I LIKE. THANK YOU.
OKAY, NOW I HAVE TO WAX YOUR BALLS.
OKAY, GO, GO, GO.
I HAVE TO WAX YOUR BALLS.
MAN, THESE CLOTHES, COKE...
WE'RE TURNING INTO HOLLYWOOD DOUCHEBAGS.
HEY, MAN, THAT'S HOW WE GONNA GET THAT HOLLYWOOD TAIL, MAN.
RIGHT ON.
"THE MALE G-SPOT..."
ISN'T THAT HIS DICK? NO, IT'S HIS TAINT.
IT'S RIGHT BETWEEN THE SCHLONG AND THE TURKEY GOBBLE.
( laughing )
NO, IT'S IN HIS ASSHOLE.
NASTY.
YOU GUYS LOOK SO CUTE. LOOK.
LET ME SEE.
AHH, THIS LOOKS LIKE SUCH A FUN NIGHT.
IT WAS OK. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUN,
BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY BOOZE OR DRUGS OR ANYTHING.
OH, I KNOW A GUY WE CAN BUY SOME DRUGS FROM.
SWEETIE...WE'RE THE REASON WHY GUYS BUY DRUGS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST DRUGS. BEING HOT IS REALLY EXPENSIVE.
EVERY PENNY COUNTS. WENDY, SHOW HER THE SCALE.
A BAG OF WEED AND A RIDE TO THE AIRPORT IS DOWN AT THE BOTTOM.
FLASH THEM, YOU LET THEM JERK OFF.
AND SOME COKE OR A BOTTLE OF XANAX,
AND THEY MIGHT GET A HANDJOB.
SHOES OVER 500 BUCKS, AND THEY MIGHT GET LAID.
IF YOU LIKE THE GUY.
STRIPPER SHOES, AND THEY MIGHT GET
TO SUCK A NIPPLE AND BEAT OFF...
NOW, IF IT'S A DAY AT THE SPA, THAT COULD BE A BLOW JOB.
OR IF THEY HELP YOU MOVE, THAT COULD BE ONE, TOO.
OKAY, BUT THAT'S ONLY IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD TO SUCK COCK.
OF COURSE. WHAT IS IT, COURTNEY?
UM, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S KIND OF LIKE WE'RE PROSTITUTES.
( laughter )
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
HEY! PRIVATE PARTY!
ONCH. BACK IN YOUR ROOM. WHERE YOU BELONG. GO.
OHH, TENANTS!
LOOK, GIRLS, IT'S NOT AN EVEN PLAYING FIELD.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HEARD ABOUT A GUY
WHO WAS TRYING TO JUGGLE A CAREER AND A FAMILY?
I MEAN, RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE CUTE AND YOUNG. THANKS!
BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPEND TO KEEP UP THE HOTNESS AS YOU AGE.
HOW MUCH IS THAT? A LOT.
AND UNLESS YOU WANT TO END UP AS STRETCH-MARKED SINGLE MOTHER
WITH A WASTOID HUSBAND WHO'S IN A BAND,
WHO CAN'T PAY CHILD SUPPORT OR ALIMONY,
YOU BETTER TO GET THAT MONEY.
I'M GOING TO TINKLE.
THAT'S WHAT THE T.O.B. CLUB IS ALL ABOUT.
HOW DO YOU THINK WENDY GOT US OUR HOUSE?
I DON'T KNOW, HOW?
WELL, SHE WAS WORKING AT THIS TECH FIRM,
AND SHE STARTED SLEEPING WITH THE OWNER...
AS WE ALL DO.
AND I THINK HE LIKED HER,
AND THEY BECAME VERY CLOSE. I THINK HE EVEN LOVED HER.
OHH!
BUT HE WAS OLD, AND HE WAS JEWISH.
OHH.
YEAH. YEAH.
AVI... HI.
HI, HONEY.
I'VE FOUND THE PERFECT ONE.
YEAH, YEAH, SURE. NICE, NICE.
NO...LOOK.
NOT NOW.
OH, AVI, YOU HAVE SO MUCH MONEY.
YOU SHOULD JUST BUY ME A HOUSE.
I'M NOT BUYING YOU A HOUSE.
WELL, THE DOWN PAYMENT AT LEAST.
I COULD GET ROOMMATES TO PAY FOR THE MORTGAGE.
WELL, WELL, IT WOULD APPRECIATE...
THE MARKET'S UP... MAYBE.
AND IT'D BE IN MY NAME, RIGHT?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. IT'LL BE IN MY NAME.
NO, MY NAME.
LOOK, I BUY YOU ENOUGH STUFF ALREADY.
BUT YOU PROMISED AFTER A YEAR, YOU'D BUY ME A HOUSE.
NO WAY DID I SAY THAT!
YES, YOU DID! YOU PROMISED!
NO WAY, I'M NOT BUYING YOU NO HOUSE!
FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE LIAR!
FUCK YOU! NO! OW! OW!
MY PLUG! YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH!
I'M NOT BUYING YOU ANYTHING!
OWW! WRITE ME THE FUCKING CHECK.
FUCK YOU.
( gasps ) LOOK WHAT YOU DID!
I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
GO AHEAD, CALL THEM.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'LL CALL THEM,
AND I'LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED.
OH, YEAH, WHO ARE THEY GOING TO BELIEVE, A 90-POUND LITTLE GIRL
OR AN OLD MAN WITH TWO DUIs WHO'S BEEN SEXUALLY HARASSING ME AT WORK?
"I'M SORRY, OFFICER, SHE PULLED MY HAIR, SO I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER."
GIVE ME THAT!
GIVE IT! GIVE ME IT!
GIVE IT, I'LL SCREAM.
GO AHEAD, SCREAM.
IT'S SWELLING UP!
YOU KNOW I'M A MODEL. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO WORK AGAIN?
I NEVER LAID A HAND ON YOU.
OH, YEAH. LET'S SEE WHAT THE JUDGE HAS TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WE'LL SEE WHAT THE JUDGE SAYS"?
I NEVER TOUCHED YOU. YES, YOU DID, YOU BASTARD!
OH, MAN, FORGET WITH THE PICTURES. I DIDN'T TOUCH YOU.
I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN. YOU WIN.
I'M GETTING OUT MY CHECKBOOK. I'M GONNA WRITE YOU THE CHECK.
GOOD. YOU SHOULD.
NOW YOU GET YOUR STUFF, YOU PACK IT UP,
AND YOU GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.
JUST SIGN IT.
HERE'S YOUR CHECK.
IT'S WORTH A MEASLY HUNDRED GRAND JUST TO GET RID OF YOU,
YOU SPITEFUL LITTLE CUNT.
BUT THEY CAME UP WITH A HAPPY SOLUTION,
AND THEY BOTH GOT WHAT THEY WANTED.
AS WE ALL SHOULD.
OKAY, LADIES...
OHH! OHH! WHAT IS THAT?
SEX TIP OF THE WEEK...
"TO DRIVE YOUR MAN CRAZY, PLACE THE DONUT OVER THE SHAFT
AND GENTLY NIBBLE IT OFF."
OKAY, WHO WANTS TO HELP?
UH, LYRIC AND PAGE. COME ON.
( chanting ) DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
( indistinct shouting )
DUDE, JOHNNY'S GUY IS NOT FUCKING AROUND. THIS SHIT IS NICE.
YEAH, LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BABY GLACIER.
THEY CALL IT FISH SCALE, LIKE WHEN IT GLISTENS, YOU KNOW.
MAN, IF WE START SELLING THIS SHIT,
THEN I COULD ACTUALLY RAP ABOUT IT.
YEAH, RIBBITY RAP RAP, RAP ABOUT IT
DUDE, WE MAY NOT EVEN HAVE TO SELL IT.
THAT GIRL GRETCHEN CALLED ME. SHE WANTS TO GET SOME OF THIS.
I'M THINKING I MIGHT GET SOME OF THAT. HA.
LOOK AT THIS LITTLE ROCK OF COKE
IT LOOKS LIKE A BABY GLACIER
I MIGHT GIVE YOU SOME IF YOU HIT ME ON THE PAGER
HIT YOU UP LATER
OH, I'M ONTO SOME SHIT RIGHT HERE. RIGHT?
I HATE IT.
YOU NEED TO STOP HATIN' 'CAUSE YOU CANT RAP.
I'M NOT--WHY AM I A HATER ALL OF A SUDDEN?
DON'T WORRY, YVONNE, YOU'LL GET THE HANG OF IT,
BUT FIRST WE HAVE TO FIX THESE.
I'M FINE WITH THEM THE WAY THEY ARE.
I KNOW, SWEETIE, BUT DID THE DOCTOR CALL?
YEAH. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO OUT NEXT WEEK, BUT WHAT DO I DO?
IT'S EASY. HE'S A DOG, SO JUST THROW HIM A BONE.
HE DID BOTH OF OURS, AND ELLE'S.
( sighs )
WHAT SIZE WOULD I GET?
SIZE DOESN'T MATTER, SWEETIE.
MINE ARE RELATIVELY SMALL.
MINE ARE BIG.
BUT WE DON'T DISCRIMINATE HERE.
GUYS LIKE GIRLS WITH IMPLANTS,
AND WE DIDN'T GET THEM DONE TO PUT THEM AWAY.
SO WHEN IS YOUR DATE?
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
OKAY, SO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH HIM,
AND LET HIM TALK ABOUT HOW GREAT HE IS
AND LAUGH AT ALL OF HIS STUPID JOKES.
"OHH, OH, OH, IT HURTS, IT HURTS!"
"WELL, MRS. PLOTNICK, I THINK YOU GOT A BROKEN FINGER."
( laughing )
YOU'RE SO FUNNY!
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I WORK IN THE RESEARCH LAB FOR A WHILE...
Big Wendy: TOUCH HIM A LITTLE BIT.
YOU'RE SO SMART.
YOU HAVE A PIECE OF PAPER HERE.
YOU ISOLATE THE TISSUE FROM THE RAT.
Little Wendy: HE'S GOING TO INVITE YOU BACK TO HIS PLACE.
Yvonne: DO I GO?
Little Wendy: OF COURSE.
YOU'RE A MOUSE KILLER.
Big Wendy: IT'S $8,000 OTHERWISE...
PER TATA! LOOK AT YOU!
Little Wendy: SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIS CAR.
Big Wendy: OH, THEY LOVE THEIR CARS.
OH, MY GOD. I LOVE YOUR CAR, BY THE WAY.
IT IS SO HOT.
SO WHERE ARE WE GOING?
HOW ABOUT YOUR PLACE?
AND THEN?
AND THEN I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU...
Little Wendy: ...AND GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
( whispering )
...LIKE, ALL OVER MY FACE AND LIPS.
OH, BABY, THAT'S SO HOT.
Yvonne: EWWW. DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO IT?
OF COURSE NOT, BUT YOU WANNA KEEP HIS HEAD IN THE GAME.
EVERY MAN HAS SOMETHING THAT DRIVES HIM CRAZY.
DR. EUGENE IS A NEAT FREAK, METROSEXUAL, BUT, LIKE, TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW?
Big Wendy: HE'S A CLEAN FREAK
IN THE TRUEST SENSE OF THE WORD.
BUT USE THAT AGAINST HIM.
MAKE A MESS, BEND OVER AND CLEAN IT UP.
HE'LL BE WET SOAP IN YOUR HANDS...
IT IS SO HOOKED UP. AND I LOVE THE WAY YOU DECORATED THE PLACE, TOO.
IT IS SO NEAT.
I LIKE BEAUTIFUL THINGS.
AND IT IS SO CLEAN, TOO. I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS TABLE...
YOU COULD PRACTICALLY DO OPERATIONS OFF OF IT.
ONLY MY THOUGHTS ARE DIRTY, MY DEAR YVONNE.
EXCEPT FOR THIS. I MEAN, IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR KNOB IS A LITTLE DIRTY.
DO YOU MIND IF I JUST... POLISH YOUR KNOB?
( blows air )
A KNOB CANNOT BE TOO SHINY IN MY BOOK.
OH, YEAH, WELL, I LOVE TO CLEAN, TOO.
I'M A BIT OF A FREAK ABOUT IT ACTUALLY. I HOPE THAT'S OKAY.
LOOK AT THIS MESS. WHY DON'T I HELP YOU OUT AND CLEAN THIS FOR YOU?
( whirring )
LET ME SEE HOW THIS FEELS! OHH...I LIKE THAT.
YEAH... I USE THE HOSE ATTACHMENT. IT'S MY GUILTY PLEASURE.
I'M SURE YOU DO.
( whirring stops )
OH, LOOK AT THAT DIRTY GLASS. LET ME HANDLE THAT FOR YOU.
THAT'S AMAZING!
OKAY, WELL, I DON'T WANT TO GET MY DRESS WET,
SO I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE IT OFF.
( singing in foreign language )
WOW. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU'RE ALMOST PERFECT.
ALMOST?
WITH A LITTLE SHAPING HERE AND THERE...
REALLY? BECAUSE I'M PRETTY HAPPY WITH HOW I AM NATURALLY.
THEY ALWAYS LOOK SO FAKE.
OH, NOT IF I DO IT.
I'M THE BEST. LATEST TECHNIQUES, TINY INCISIONS,
ATRAUMATIC PROCEDURES... NO BRUISING AT ALL.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT, LOVE IT.
RIGHT NOW, I'D LOVE A DRINK.
OH, YOU WILL HAVE THAT.
NOT IF I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU. ( laughs )
HERE YOU GO.
Little Wendy: AND THEN JUST SEAL THE DEAL.
( clink )
NO, I REALLY SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING NOW.
OH, PLEASE STAY. I'LL DROP YOU IN THE MORNING.
NO, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO NOW.
BEFORE YOU GO DO YOU MIND IF I...
WHAT? TAKE A BITE OUT OF CRIME?
YEAH.
GO AHEAD.
OHH! WHOA! THAT'S FORWARD!
DO YOU MIND IF I... TOUCH MYSELF?
WHY DON'T I HELP YOU OUT WITH THAT?
( singing in foreign language )
LET ME GET MY PANTS OFF.
SO CLEAN... I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE THAT SOAP.
HERE WE GO.
OHH.
YOU LIKE THAT?
OH, YEAH. CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?
MAYBE.
OHH. SCOUR IT, I DON'T CARE.
YEAH, RUB IT.
BUT IF I SEE YOU AGAIN, WE'LL DEFINITELY BE CLEANING YOUR BEDROOM.
BEDROOM. YEAH.
DIRTY BEDROOM. DIRTY BEDROOM.
MUD TRACKING IN FROM OUTSIDE. OH, YEAH!
DR. EUGENE! WHOO!
SO HOW MUCH IS IT?
TWO GRAMS... ONE HUNDRED.
HMM, WELL, I DON'T HAVE THE WHOLE HUNDRED...
BUT I HAVE THESE.
I ACCEPT THOSE.
Max: ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER WHAT JOHNNY EYELASH SAID...
DIVIDE AND CONQUER.
( women talking indistinctly )
I HAVE THE SAME DRESS.
( women talking indistinctly )
HEY. HEY.
HEY. HOW'S IT GOIN'?
SO IT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
YEAH, IT WAS OKAY.
SO DO YOU HAVE TO WORK TOMORROW?
NO. WELL, NOT UNTIL 6 P.M.
OKAY, DO YOU WANNA GET OUT OF HERE? WE COULD SHARE A CAB.
NO. LET'S GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE AND PARTY.
AWESOME. OKAY.
SO YOU WANNA GO BACK TO MY SPOT
AND LEAVE THESE LOVEBIRDS TO DO THEIR THING?
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE AT HOME?
YEAH. A GRIP.
OKAY. BUT NO FUNNY STUFF.
I KNOW. ( scoffs )
( indistinct chattering )
DAMN. AHH.
NICE TOUCH. AHEM.
MY SISTER AND HER FRIENDS, THEY'RE ALL INTO THIS POSITIVE THINKING.
THERE'S THIS ONE GIRL CARLY-- SHE WALKS AROUND WITH A BLACK CLOUD OVER HER HEAD,
BUT THEN SHE WATCHED THE SECRET, AND I WATCHED THE SECRET WITH MY FRIEND TIESTO.
YOU KNOW WHO TIESTO IS, RIGHT?
HUGE D.J. DOES ALL THE BIG PARTIES.
SO I DON'T LIKE THAT ATKINS DIET.
THAT'S TOO MANY RULES FOR ME.
MY BIG THING...JUICING.
YOU WANNA HEAR THE RECIPE? HERE IT IS.
THIS IS WHAT I USE. I USE KALE, I USE SWISS CHARD...
GIVES IT A ZING, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
THEN MY DOCTOR, HE'S LIKE, YOU CANT USE SUGAR.
( cash register dings )
( whistling )
YEAH, THIS ONE, THIS IS WHEN I WAS IN FRANCE.
REALLY AWESOME TRIP. YOU SEE THIS GUY? HE'S PRETTY GOOD-LOOKING, HUH?
SO GOOD IN BED. YEAH, BUT HE'S A BIT BORING.
HELL, YES. I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
HEY, YOU GOT ANY MORE BLOW?
NAH, YOU DID IT ALL.
CAN I DO THE LAST LINE FOR THE ROAD? UH, YEAH.
UH, I WAS WONDERING, UH...
BEFORE YOU LEFT IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
IF I JUST LOOK AT YOU AND BEAT OFF TO YOU?
I SAID NO FUNNY STUFF.
I MEAN, I KNOW YOU SAID THAT, BUT, YOU KNOW,
WE STARTED LOOKING AT THE MODELING PICTURES.
LOOK, I'LL EVEN DO IT OVER HERE.
OKAY, FINE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF ENCOURAGEMENT.
OH, YEAH.
YOU ARE AMAZING.
I KNOW.
NOW I'M GOING TO GET MY FUCK ON.
IS THIS GONNA TAKE MUCH LONGER?
CAN YOU SHOW ME YOUR NIPPLE?
GOD.
OH, YES. THAT'LL DO.
IT'S GETTING LIGHT OUTSIDE. I HATE THAT.
DO NOT GET ANY OF THAT ON ME.
ALL RIGHT. AH, THAT'S IT.
YEAH, IT BETTER BE IT, 'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO TAKE OFF IN A MINUTE.
LOOK, WOULD YOU JUST STOP TALKING? DAMN!
DON'T GET PISSY WITH ME. I'M DOING YOU THE FAVOR. ANYWAYS, I'M GETTING COLD.
UH, LOOK, CAN YOU JUST, UH...
SHOW ME A LITTLE PIECE OF YOUR ASS?
JUST THE TOP PIECE, AND I SWEAR I'LL COME QUICK.
OH, GOD.
THANK YOU.
AHH. OH, YEAH, THANK YOU.
CAN YOU PLEASE HURRY UP? THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG. I'M ABOUT TO COME RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, YOU BETTER BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO GET OUT OF HERE, OKAY?
I GOTTA WALK MY DOG. LITTLE DOG SHITS ALL OVER MY KITCHEN NOW.
UHH! AAH!
OW! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU ASSHOLE!
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE KEEP TRACK OF THIS SHIT.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA FUCK AGAIN IN THIS TOWN!
( laughing ) OH, MY GOD. THAT WAS GREAT.
I'M SORRY!
( laughter )
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
THAT LOQUACIOUS BITCH WENT ON A FRUIT JUICE RAMBLE
I HAD TO WHIP OUT MY DICK AND SHOOT JIZZ LIKE RAMBO
ABSOLUTELY.
SHE DRANK YOU OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME, SHE DID ALL YOUR GEAR,
AND THE YOU HAD TO LISTEN TO HER STUPID STORIES ALL NIGHT.
( buzz )
HEY. HEY, JOHNNY.
( sighs )
SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU, GLEN?
OH, DUDE, IT HAPPENED JUST LIKE YOU SAID IT WOULD.
SHE DIDN'T WANT TO PAY FOR IT,
AND BEFORE YOU CAN SAY, "THREE-DOLLAR COKE WHORE,"
I'M CHEWING ON HER TITS LIKE A SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY.
( laughing )
NEXT PATIENT, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S US, GUYS, COME ON.
MMM. THAT'S NICE.
LET ME HAVE A QUARTER. YOU GOT IT.
DUDE, CAN WE GET SOME? NO, DICKSHINE.
THIS IS ONLY IF YOU'RE SICK.
YOU GOTTA GET YOURS THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY. OUTSIDE.
DUDE, THAT'S FUCKED UP. YOU AIN'T SICK, MAN.
YOU KNOW I WANT SOME OF THIS SHIT.
HERE. YES!
I GUESS THIS'LL DO.
SO, AARON, HOW'D YOUR COKESCAPADE GO?
MAN, FUCK COKE! YOU KNOW?
HONESTLY, WE HAD A GREAT NIGHT LAST NIGHT.
THIS MORNING WE WOKE UP, AND I MADE HER BREAKFAST.
WE HAD A LOT OF FUN. DUDE, SHE'S A REALLY GOOD GIRL.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I'M GOING TO ASK HER TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING HER!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? SHE'S NOT ALL MONEY-GRUBBING.
YEAH, MAYBE NOT YET, BUT...
I USED TO BE LIKE YOU. ALL WIDE-EYED AND IN LOVE.
IT'S OVER! COME ON, WEN, PLEASE!
DON'T GO WITH THIS BOOB! YOU LIKE MY HAIR AND MY SHOES,
BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR IT WITH YOUR STUPID LYRICS?
JESUS, WEN, I'M SORRY, OKAY? COME ON.
GET A JOB, DICKWAD. FUCK YOU, QUEERBURGER!
WENDY! WENDY!
COME ON, MAN!
...BUT I DON'T TALK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.
LISTEN, THEY'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT, BRO.
BLAZE OUT, BRO.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
HERE, COME WITH ME. LET ME SHOW YOU GUYS SOMETHING.
ALL RIGHT, TAKE A LOOK AROUND, WHAT DO YOU SEE?
TITTIES. THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOT YOUR CHERRIES,
APRICOTS,
TANGERINES,
LEMONS,
CANTALOUPES,
OH, AND, OF COURSE, WATERMELONS.
HEY, WHAT KIND OF FRUIT ARE THOSE?
THAT IS AN ASIAN PEAR.
HEY, CHECK IT OUT... A GRANNY SMITH! HA HA HA!
NICE. BUT, LOOK, ALL THESE TITTIES AIN'T FOR FREE.
CHECK OUT THIS COUPLE OVER HERE.
WHO DO YOU THINK PAID FOR THAT MEAL?
THE DUDE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
TAKE A LOOK OVER THERE. WHO'S BUYING THOSE CLOTHES?
DEFINITELY THE DUDE.
LOOK AT THIS GUY IN HERE.
HUNDRED BUCKS FOR THAT ROUND, AT LEAST.
AND TRUST ME, HE AIN'T NAILING ALL OF THEM.
IS HE, AARON?
I DON'T KNOW.
CHECK THIS OUT. LOOK AT THE ROCK ON HER FINGER.
IT'S AN ENGAGEMENT RING!
AND WHO PAID FOR IT?
THE MAN. THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WHEN SHE GETS HOME, SHE'S GONNA DROP THOSE PANTIES
LIKE MY IPHONE DROPS CALLS.
LOOK, ALL THESE HOLLYWOOD CHICKS WANT SOMETHING,
AND SEX IS THEIR CURRENCY.
I HAVEN'T SEEN COURTNEY DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY HER WORK TONIGHT,
AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE?
YO, DUDE, MAN, WE'VE BEEN GETTING SOME WORTHY TAIL LATELY.
MAN, I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM.
YEAH, OR JUST MAKE HER YOUR GIRLFRIEND
AND THEN SEE OTHER ONES ON THE SIDE.
NO. WHY NOT?
NO! NO, LOOK, YOU DON'T CHEAT.
IT'S NOT COOL, EVER, AND THERE'S NO NEED TO.
LOOK, GUYS, DON'T DATE ONE CHICK THAT YOU'RE FAITHFUL TO.
YOU DATE LOTS OF CHICKS, YOU ROTATE THEM,
AND YOU BE HONEST ABOUT IT.
LOOK, GUYS, I ALWAYS WANTED A SON,
BUT AT THIS POINT, IT'S PROBABLY NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
I WANTED HIM TO BE PREPARED WHEN DEALING WITH THE UNFAIR SEX,
SO I RECORDED SOME LITTLE NUGGETS OF WISDOM ON THIS.
BUT BE CAREFUL WITH IT, ALL RIGHT?
THERE'S A LOT THERE.
GOOD LUCK PICKING UP CHICKS NOW, MOTHERFUCKER, PIECE OF SHIT!
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T CHEAT.
BUT IF YOU DO, STICK TO YOUR FUCKIN' STORY.
PAPA SMURF CALLED! HE WANTS HIS DICK BACK! OH, YEAH?!
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, RIGHT NOW!
SADIE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
IT'S MOSTLY ABOUT BEING HONEST AND STRAIGHT UP,
YOU KNOW, OWNING YOUR INNER PIG.
Woman: STILL UPSET ABOUT THE FIGHT WITH JOHNNY.
CAME HOME AND GOT DRUNK AND HAD SEX WITH MY NEIGHBOR FRANK.
IT FELT GREAT.
I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT A MAN ANYMORE.
NEVER READ YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S DIARY.
GIRLS LIKE A TAKE-CHARGE GUY.
SO YOU JUST LAY DOWN WHAT YOU WANT,
TELL HER YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND UPFRONT,
AND SHE CAN'T NEVER ACCUSE YOU OF BEING AN ASSHOLE.
( moans ) YES, JOHNNY...
OH, THAT'S GOOD RIGHT THERE. THAT'S GOOD. AHH!
RIGHT THERE. OHH! NO!
WHAT ARE YOU STOPPING FOR?
WHAT THE FUCK?
THAT'S WEIRD. I JUST WAXED YESTERDAY.
NO, THIS IS NOT YOUR PUBE. YOUR PUSSY'S BALD!
OH, I KNOW WHO THAT WAS. THAT WAS--NEVER MIND.
NEVER GO DOWN ON A STRIPPER YOU JUST MET.
DOUBLE-BOOKING BITCH.
ALTHOUGH GIRLS WANT TO FUCK AND DO DRUGS,
THEY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. I MEAN, THEY WANT TO GET DOWN,
BUT THEY KIND OF WANT TO BE "TRICKED" INTO IT.
THIS IS RETARDED. BE STRAIGHT UP AND HONEST WITH THEM,
BUT THEN GET THEM HIGH AND WASTED AND TRICK THEM INTO IT?
YOU MAKE THAT SOUND LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.
I WISH I COULD GET DRUNK AND HIGH FOR FREE.
YEAH. THEY SHOULD BE THANKING US.
YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS. I'M GOING TO SEE MY GIRLFRIEND.
THERE'S A REASON THEY CALL IT "COMMITTED," AARON.
YOU'RE GONNA BE AT SOME PARTY, WASTED,
AND SOME HOTTIE'S GONNA BE JOCKING YOU,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO SLIP UP, MAN.
I'M OUT. PFFT.
YO, MAN. LATERS.
YOU GUYS GOT YOUR ASSIGNMENTS, RIGHT?
JUST REMEMBER, JUST BE STRAIGHT UP,
AND TELL HER, "WE CAN SLEEP TOGETHER,
BUT I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. NO DINNERS, VALENTINES."
SHE CAN FIND SOME OTHER SUCKER FOR THAT.
HUH? I MEAN, I'M SORRY, MAN.
THIS CANDY BAR IS KICKING IN, MAN.
I KNOW WE WAS TALKING ABOUT FRUITS EARLIER, RIGHT?
I'M SORRY, MAN. YOU TAPE-RECORDED IT?
OH, NO, THAT WAS ANOTHER TAPE RECORDER.
I'LL REMEMBER FOR REAL, I'M SORRY.
Woman: FOR YOU
I'D TRAVEL
AROUND THE WORLD
FOR YOU
I'D DO
ANYTHING
'CAUSE YOU
ARE EVERYTHING
THE FEELING IS LOVE, THE FEELING IS LOVE
WHEN YOU'RE AROUND, WHEN YOU'RE AROUND
THE FEELING IS LOVE
HEY, HUN, I'M GONNA SPLIT. I'M REALLY HORNY.
DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HIM!
DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT ELLE SAID?
YEAH. ELLE IS A TOTAL DRAMA QUEEN.
I MEAN, LOOK, HE'S REALLY NICE...
AND FUNNY.
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME YET.
AND HE IS KIND OF CUTE.
SEE? YOU ARE GONNA BE FINE.
I JUST HOPE HE'S NOT AN ASSHOLE.
YO, MAN, YOU WANNA GO TO THIS PARTY LATER?
NO. IT'S GONNA SUCK. IT'S JONZO'S PLACE, MAN.
YO, I'M GOING HOME TO GET SOME ASS.
YOU SHOULD TAKE HER. SHE'S BANGING.
MAYBE I WILL.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT WE'RE GOING TO THIS PARTY JUST AS FRIENDS.
WELL, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT WE'RE SPLITTING THIS CAB FARE...JUST AS FRIENDS.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH ON ME. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE?
( humming )
( deep breathing )
( moaning )
COURTNEY, I AM YOUR FATHER.
EW, GROSS.
( laughing ) NO, BABE, IT'S JUST ME.
NO, NO, NO. YOU HAVE TO BE THE HELPLESS PRINCESS, REMEMBER?
YEAH, CAN YOU MAKE THAT THING VIBRATE?
UM, SHOOT, I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK THAT'S ONLY THE DELUXE EDITION.
YEAH.
Johnny: USE HER ADDICTIONS AGAINST HER.
GO AHEAD, FUCK WITH THAT ONE, TOO.
ALL RIGHT.
Johnny: OWN YOUR INNER PIG.
HERE YOU GO.
NO, I'M GOOD. I'VE GOT A DEADLINE.
I COULD REALLY USE TOMORROW TO CATCH UP. SO...
ARE YOU FOR REAL? I MEAN, I JUST GOT HIGH.
IF YOU LIKE, I CAN BLOW EVERYTHING OFF THAT I GOT TO DO TOMORROW,
AND WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN, BUT I GOTTA LET YOU KNOW THAT AT SOME POINT,
WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO BE HIGH AND DRUNK AND IN MY BED,
AND I'M GOING TO NEED TO BUST A NUT. NEED TO?
YEAH. I MEAN, I'M SORRY FOR BEING SO HONEST AND OPEN ABOUT IT,
BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD MEET FOR COFFEE SOMETIME
AND REALLY GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER, TAKE IT NICE AND SLOW...
FINE.
FINE FOR THE NUTBUSTING?
WHATEVER.
JUST FILL UP MY DRINK, PLEASE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN A MAN ORGASMS
IT RELEASES A CHEMICAL THAT'S 20 TIMES STRONGER THAN A NORMAL SLEEPING PILL?
THIS IS SOME LADY AND THE TRAMP SHIT RIGHT HERE.
( laughing )
I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE. YOU'VE BEEN FLAGGED ON THE DATERBASE.
NOBODY HAS TO KNOW. WHAT'S A DATERBASE?
JUST SHUT UP AND KISS ME.
OH, YEAH. OH. OH, YEAH.
( crickets chirping, owl hooting )
BABE, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT OUTFIT?
THANK YOU. IT'S MY APRON.
I WORE IT UNDER MY DRESS LAST NIGHT
SO I COULD COOK YOU BREAKFAST IN THE MORNING.
AH, I AM TAKING YOU OUT. BABY, DO YOU WANNA GO TO THE ZOO?
YES! I LOVE THE ZOO. ANIMALS ARE MY FAVORITE.
OH, ME TOO. THAT'S PERFECT. IT'S A DONE DEAL. WE'RE DOING IT.
UM, BABE, CHECK OUT MY...
TROUSER ELEPHANT.
HA HA HA.
DO YOU WANT ME TO COME PULL ITS TRUNK?
( elephant trumpets )
SO...YOU GONNA TAKE ME TO BREAKFAST?
( laughs ) BREAKFAST?! AIN'T NO BREAKFAST, BABY.
I DON'T ROLL LIKE THAT. YOU HAD FUN LAST NIGHT, RIGHT?
YEAH. EVENTUALLY.
HEY, THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY PERFORMANCE. THAT WAS THE COKE.
ANYWAYS, IF WANT SOMEBODY TO TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER ALL THE TIME
AND CALL YOU UP EVERY DAY,
THAT AIN'T ME. THAT'S BOYFRIEND TERRITORY.
LOOK, I'M JUST HUNGRY.
YOU DON'T GOTTA BE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO SOME ASSHOLE SCHOOL OR SOMETHING.
PSHH. WHATEVER.
DICK.
Johnny: IF SHE'S ASKING FOR TOO MUCH CAB FARE,
TAKE A TWENTY OUT OF HER PURSE WHILE SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM
AND GIVE IT TO HER.
IT'S NOT STEALING IF YOU GIVE IT BACK.
DUDE, THIS STUFF IS GOLD!
HEY, AARON, THOUGHT YOU'D BE MARRIED OFF BY NOW.
UM, SHE'S A GOOD GIRL. IT COULD HAPPEN.
UH, JUST KEEPING MY OPTIONS OPEN FOR NOW.
YEAH, WHAT ABOUT YOU, MAX? HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, MAN, SHIT WENT PERFECT, YO.
IT'S JUST ONE THING, THOUGH, MAN...
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WITH THE COKE AND THE CONDOMS, MAN...
I KIND OF HAD A LITTLE BIT OF PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.
REALLY? WHAT, ARE YOU GAY NOW?
ALL YOU NEED IS... ONE OF THESE.
WHAT'S THAT, MAN?
UGH. DUDE, WHY'S IT ALL SLIPPERY? WHAT IS THAT?
THAT'S JUST LUBE. IT'S MY COCK RING.
OHH! WHAT THE FUCK! ARE YOU KIDDING?
GUYS, I'M TELLING YOU, NO MATTER WHAT STATE I'M IN,
IT KEEPS ME TURGID, AND IT ALWAYS, ALWAYS GET'S ME OFF.
YO, I PUT THAT SHIT ON MY NOSE, YO!
AND WHAT THE FUCK IS "TURGID"?
"TURGID" MEANS HARD. HOW DUMB ARE YOU?
OH, I'M GONNA USE THAT SHIT. "GIRL, YOU GOT MY DICK TURGID."
AND I KNOW WITH ALL THE ALCOHOL AND THE DRUGS,
SOMETIMES IT'S A LITTLE TOUGH, SO I ALWAYS KEEP ONE OF THESE BABIES AROUND.
THOSE ARE LIKE 50 BUCKS EACH. EVERY TIME?
JESUS, FUCKFACE.
LOOK, YOU GENTLY TAKE IT OUT OF THE BOX, YOU CAREFULLY CUT IT OPEN.
EVERY TIME YOU USE IT, YOU PUT IT IN THE DISHWASHER, GOOD AS NEW.
OH, YEAH. ECONOMICAL.
YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS?
MAN, I HATE CONDOMS, MAN.
IT'S LIKE EATING A SNICKERS WITH THE WRAPPER ON.
LOOK, THE FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES YOU KIND OF HAVE TO, BOYS.
FUCK THAT. JUST DO WHAT I DO.
YOU CUT A HOLE RIGHT IN THE TIP OF THE CONDOM, RIGHT?
JUST LIKE THAT.
AND IT WEARS AWAY AS YOU GET GOING, THEN IT BREAKS.
THE BEAUTY OF IT IS, WHEN SHE LOOKS DOWN,
IT STILL LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WEARING ONE.
I JUST TOLD HER IT RIPPED BECAUSE MY DICK'S TOO BIG.
DUDE, THAT IS FUCKED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS, I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
WHAT?
"WHAT?"
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
ONE IN FOUR PEOPLE HAVE HERPES.
ONE IN FOUR WARTS.
THROW IN CHLAMYDIA, CRABS, U.T.I.,
THEN YOU RAMP IT UP BECAUSE WE'RE IN HOLLYWOOD...
AND THE CHANCES THAT ONE OF THESE CHICKS
THAT YOU GUYS ARE TAKING HOME HAS "SOMETHING" IS ABOUT...
72%.
GRETCHEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M PUTTING A FABRIC SOFTENER SHEET DOWN MY PANTS
SO LATER TONIGHT WHEN I TAKE MY JEANS OFF,
IT'LL BE NICE AND FRESH DOWN THERE.
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
RIGHT?
DOES THAT MAKE YOUR SKIN SOFT?
OH, GOD, I HOPE IT DOESN'T MAKE HIS DICK SOFTER! UGH!
I GOT A DATE TONIGHT. LET ME TRY SOME OF THAT.
SO ARE YOU GIRLS ALL SET FOR THE INITIATION?
YEAH, WE ARE.
YEAH. OH. CAN I STILL JOIN IF I HAVE GOT A BOYFRIEND?
HE BETTER GO DOWNY ON ME AFTER ALL THAT TROUBLE!
NO. THAT DEFIES THE WHOLE POINT.
WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE USING HIM FOR SOMETHING.
I JUST LIKE HIM. I LIKE THE WAY HIS HAIR SMELLS,
I LIKE HIS SMILE, I LIKE WAKING UP NEXT TO HIM, I LIKE HIS COCK.
COURTNEY, COURTNEY, YOU CANNOT SEE THIS GUY ANYMORE.
WHAT? WHY?
BECAUSE HE WILL DICK YOU OVER.
WE JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE WE MADE.
IF IT'S SEX YOU WANT, WE'LL FIND A GUY FOR YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT, DO YOU WANT A NERD, DO YOU WANT A BAD BOY?
WHAT, AND I JUST FUCK THEM?
FIRST, YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO HIM
THAT HE CAN'T CALL YOU AFTERWARDS,
AND IF HE SEES YOU OUT SOMEWHERE,
HE'S GOTTA WALK IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
THAT'S CRAZY. I REALLY, REALLY LIKE THIS GUY.
I KNOW, BUT IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
NOW, YVONNE,
DID THE DOCTOR SET A DATE FOR YOUR IMPROVEMENTS YET?
YEAH. THREE WEEKS.
I KNEW HE WOULD DRAG IT OUT A BIT.
A FEW DAYS IN OUTPATIENT,
AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO SEE HIM AGAIN!
RIGHT ON.
( knock on door )
HEY.
AH-AH-AH.
( sighs )
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE BY YOURSELF?
OH, MY GOD, YOU REMIND ME OF BEETLEJUICE.
REMEMBER THOSE LEGS THAT WAS SITTING BY THEMSELVES?
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
WHERE YOU KNOW ME FROM?
DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE. NASTY.
MAN, WHAT? MAN, THIS LOOKS LIKE SOME--
HEY, THIS AIN'T EVEN TRUE. THEY TRYING TO SET ME UP.
THEY TRYING TO SAY I DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED, BUT THAT EVEN TRUE.
OHH!
OH, FUCK!
OH, SHIT. OH, MAN, SORRY, MAN.
FUCK.
I KNOW THAT GUY.
DID YOU DO SOME?
NO. HE JUST CAME BY TONIGHT.
THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE.
I KNOW.
ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HIM?
NO.
I JUST GET SO HORNY.
WE ALL GET A LITTLE BIT HORMONAL SOMETIMES,
BUT, NEXT TIME, SPECIFY AN AMOUNT,
OR HE'S GONNA HAVE YOU WHORING YOURSELF OUT FOR LITTLE KIBBLES, OKAY?
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WENDY, CAN I TALK TO YOU A LITTLE BIT LATER?
OKAY.
( sighs )
OKAY, LADIES, AS YOU KNOW,
YVONNE WILL BE GETTING HER ENHANCEMENTS THIS WEEK, THUS ELIGIBLE FOR MEMBERSHIP.
( cheering )
WHAT DAY, YVONNE?
HE SAYS I GO IN ON FRIDAY, AND I'LL BE OUT BY SATURDAY.
SO SATURDAY NIGHT. DOES THAT WORK FOR EVERYONE?
YEAH. YES. YES.
OOH OOH!
15 SECONDS. EXCELLENT WORK, MAX. CONGRATS ALL AROUND.
IT'S NICE TO SEE YOUR STABLES DEVELOPING. I'M UP TO FOUR NOW.
YOU STILL TAKING DRUGS TO THAT STRIPPER CHICK? YUP.
SHE'S FUCKING YOU NOW RIGHT? LIKE I'M JOHNNY DEPP.
NICE. AND NOW CAN BRING AS MUCH OR AS LITTLE AS YOU LIKE.
DUDE, I'M GETTING LAID FOR DUB-SACKS!
SWEET!
UM, WHERE'S COURTNEY?
SHE SAID SHE CAN'T COME ANYMORE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND NOW,
AND SHE SAID IT WOULD BE UNFAIR TO COME TO A MAN-HATING GROUP.
WHAT? WHAT? WHATEVER.
WE DON'T HATE MEN.
WE JUST KEEP THEM ON TASK, SWEETIE.
SO WHAT ABOUT YOU, AARON?
I'VE BEEN DABBLING,
BUT THERE'S REALLY ONLY ONE GIRL FOR ME.
YEAH, WHEN SHE'S IN TOWN.
OH! OH HO HO!
WHAT?
IT'S THAT COURTNEY AGAIN, RIGHT?
YEAH.
DOES SHE KNOW ABOUT YOUR OTHER CHICKS?
UH, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING I LIKE TO BRING UP.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE ROTATING HER, RIGHT?
WHAT?
HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEE HER?
I DON'T KNOW, LIKE TWO, THREE, FOUR TIMES A WEEK.
AARON, YOU HAVE TO ROTATE THEM.
SHE'LL BE BACK.
I HOPE SO. I REALLY LIKED HER.
I REALLY LIKED HER, TOO.
I THINK SHE'S REALLY INTO HIM.
AARON, RIGHT? SHORT, DUMB-LOOKING?
( laughter )
THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, HE'S A MAN,
AND HE'S HARDWIRED TO CHEAT.
OH, I THINK HE ALREADY DID.
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
I SAW LAST WEEK HIM AT A PARTY ALL OVER SOME UGLY-ASS GIRL.
LAST SATURDAY AT ROSS'S? YEAH.
WAS THAT GUY MAX THERE? YEAH.
( warbling sounds )
MY EARRING COLLECTION IS GROWING DAILY.
AH, YES. THE "LEAVE BEHIND."
DO THEY MEAN TO LEAVE THIS SHIT AT YOUR APARTMENT
OR ARE THEY JUST TOO HUNGOVER TO REMEMBER? WHO KNOWS?
IT'S LIKE HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW THAT THEY LEAVE NOT WEARING THEIR OWN PANTIES?
THAT SHIT IS DUMB!
LET ME SEE THIS HAIRCLIP. WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
I NEEDED IT ONE MORNING, AND THE GUY I WAS WITH GAVE IT TO ME.
MAX?
THE GUY THAT JIZZED ON ME? YEAH.
THIS IS MY HAIRCLIP. I WAS WITH HIM LAST WEEK.
YOU'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH HIM?
WE JUST HOOKED UP A COUPLE OF TIMES.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SEEING HIM.
I TOLD YOU THAT I LIKED HIM.
WHATEVER. NOW YOU OWN HIM.
JASMINE! YVONNE! JASMINE! YVONNE!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT IS GOING ON?
WAIT A MINUTE. IS THIS THE MAX THAT ELLE FLAGGED?
Elle: THAT ASSHOLE?!
THIS IS FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS!
WHY DO WE EVEN KEEP A DATERBASE
IF YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW IT?
THE WHOLE POINT OF THE T.O.B. CLUB
IS FOR SHIT LIKE THIS NOT TO HAPPEN.
COURTNEY'S DUDE IS CHEATING ON HER.
YOU'RE GETTING RIPPED OFF BY YOUR COKE GUY,
AND THE TWO OF YOU
ARE IN SOME SORT OF T.O.B. CERTIFIED SCUMBAG'S STABLE.
SCUM!
WE HAVE STABLES.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE CALLED STABLE BOYS, OKAY?
THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. COULD ANYTHING ELSE GO WRONG?
( crying ) I'M PREGNANT!
OH, SWEETIE!
IT'S OKAY.
ARE YOU GONNA HAVE IT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
GOOD. GOOD.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.
REALLY? YEAH.
WE'LL FIX ALL OF THIS TOGETHER.
NOW, HOW MANY MEN HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING WITH? TWO OR THREE.
GRETCHEN. NOT IN THE LAST WEEK, GRETCHEN,
THE LAST THREE MONTHS?
MAYBE SEVEN OR EIGHT. OH, PLUS THE DRUG GUY.
ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?
Both: ABORTION EXTORTION.
"IN 1934,
"HITLER ELIMINATED ALL OF HIS OPPOSITION IN ONE NIGHT.
IT WAS CALLED 'THE NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES.'"
THIS FRIDAY, OUR TIME WILL COME.
WE'RE GOING TO TEACH THESE CRETINS A LESSON
THEY'RE NEVER GONNA FORGET. YEAH, WE WILL.
THERE'S SOMETHING I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE MET ONE OF THESE PESTS THREE MONTHS AGO
WHEN WE GOT THOSE T-SHIRTS MADE,
AND HE WAS A BIG FAT LOSER.
NOW HIM AND HIS BUDDIES ARE WREAKING HAVOC ON US! HOW?
YES, IT FEELS LIKE SOMEBODY ELSE IS BEHIND THIS.
ANOTHER GIRL GANG?
( gasps ) THE ECHO PARK PUTAS?
SILVERLAKE SKANKS?
THE THREE ONE HOES?
THE LOS FELIZ LESBOS?
WHO KNOWS? BUT BY SACRIFICING ONE OF OUR OWN,
THEY'LL GET THE MESSAGE THAT WE WE'RE NOT PLAYING AROUND.
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS SEEMS FAMILIAR.
IS IT A MAN, A PLAYER OUT FOR REVENGE?
SLICE, GRETCHEN, ELLE, I WANT YOU TO HIT THE STREETS.
TALK TO YOUR PEOPLE, BUST SOME BALLS...
SUCK THEM IF YOU HAVE TO,
BUT FIND OUT WHO IS PULLING THE STRINGS.
WE WILL. GOOD.
THEN TASSELING IN, NEXT SATURDAY,
YVONNE WILL GET HER BOOBS,
COURTNEY WILL BE BACK IN THE GANG,
AND THESE FOOLS WILL RUE THE DAY THAT THEY CROSSED US.
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
NIGHT OF THE LONG NAILS.
( cheering )
WHY ARE WE DRINKING BRANDY?
'CAUSE CHURCHILL USED TO DRINK IT.
OH, YEAH. THAT JAMAICAN GUY YOU USED TO DATE. HE WAS SO HOT.
LOVED HIM.
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
AND? LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS THAT IT WORKS,
AND YOUR CLIENTS LOVE IT, RIGHT?
THEY'RE PATIENTS.
YES, THE RESULTS ARE IMPRESSIVE.
THANK YOU.
BUT BEFORE YOU GO, YOU'RE A BIT OF LADIES MAN, RIGHT?
YEAH, I HAVE MY MOMENTS.
I HAVE A BIT OF A PROBLEM HERE.
EVERY NOW AND THEN I MEET A GIRL THAT I LIKE,
ONE THAT SEEMS ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE,
THEN I DO SOME WORK ON HER, AND SHE DISAPPEARS.
MM-HMM. SO YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING PLAYED?
NOT SURE, BUT THERE IS THIS ONE GIRL...
SHE'S VERY NICE TO ME. TOO NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO...
IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO, BABY.
YOU'RE HUNGRY RIGHT?
I AM STARVING. I LOVE THIS PLACE.
I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU PICKED IT.
WE ALL REALLY MISS YOU AT THE MEETINGS.
OH, MY GOD, I MISS YOU GUYS, TOO!
STOP.
NOW THERE'S AN ARMY OF TWO.
TAKE CARE OF THEM, SUGAR. OKAY.
AND YOU, LET'S SEE THOSE PRIVATES ON PARADE.
I LIKE HOW YOU'RE SHOWCASING THAT PUSSY.
LOOKIN' GOOD. ( spanks )
WHOA. THAT SKIRT'S WAY TOO LONG.
COME ON. BE ALL YOU CAN BE.
LET'S SEE THESE. THE NIPPLES ARE JUST RIGHT AT THE EDGE.
GOOD, SHOW THOSE GIRLS OFF.
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE. ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR MISSION?
DA, GRETCHEN.
HANDLE IT.
I SEE YOU BROUGHT OUT THE BIG GUNS. SHAKE THOSE BABIES.
SLICE MY GLAMAZON. TURN AROUND.
LET'S TIGHTEN UP THAT T-BACK. IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.
EXCELLENT JOB, GRETCHEN.
THANK YOU. LET ME SEE THOSE TEARS.
( crying )
TOO MUCH?
NO, EXCELLENT.
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO TAKE CARE OF THIS COURTNEY SITUATION.
WENDY, YOU KNOW YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THIS, RIGHT? YOU'RE MY SISTERS.
I COULDN'T ASK YOU TO DO ANYTHING I WOULDN'T DO MYSELF.
THIS IS WAR... AND WE'RE THE SEX BOMBS.
( crying )
I'M SORRY, ARE YOU OK?
NO. MY PHONE DIED, AND I REALLY NEED TO SEND AN EMAIL,
OR MY BOSS IS GONNA FIRE ME.
THAT'S OKAY. I LIVE RIGHT HERE.
YOU CAN TOTALLY USE MY COMPUTER.
REALLY?
OF COURSE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU FIXED MY TRANSMISSION?
WELL, I'M PREGNANT.
I DON'T WANT A KID WITH YOU.
ME NEITHER.
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? ARE YOU CRAZY?
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU. MY WIFE IS UPSTAIRS.
WELL, I SUGGEST YOU TELL HER TO COME DOWN HERE. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'M PREGNANT. SHH!
SO, ANYWAY, I NEED MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF THIS.
NO, NO, NO. YOU SAID TO ME THAT YOU ARE USING CONTRACEPTIVE PILLS.
UGH, AZIS, I TOLD YOU, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK ALL THE TIME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT'S NOT MY BABY.
I GOT SIX WHITE BITCHES ON DECK RIGHT NOW.
I GOT BABY MOMMA'S FROM HERE TO DETROIT.
YOU AIN'T SAYING NOTHING.
HOW MUCH TO SUCK IT OUT?
WANNA SPLIT IT? OKAY.
JONZO? YEAH?
JONZO, CAN I TALK TO YOU? WE'RE KIND OF BUSY HERE.
WELL, CAN YOU TAKE FIVE, 'CAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF REHEARSAL. WHAT'S GOING ON?
DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER ME?
UM...YEAH.
THE BATHROOM AT THE BURGUNDY?
YEAH, THE FUCKING BATHROOM AT THE BURGUNDY.
I TOTALLY REMEMBER THAT. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M PREGNANT, THAT'S HOW I'M DOING.
PREGNANT? THIS IS GOOD NEWS.
THIS IS A GIFT FROM THE LORD.
NO, ACTUALLY, A GIFT FROM YOU.
$450. WELL, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, DO YOU THINK WE COULD WORK SOMETHING OUT?
450? MORE LIKE 199!
SHIT, YOU WANNA FUCK WITH MISS KIM RIGHT THERE ON CRENSHAW AND FLORENCE.
HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW IT'S MINE?
'CAUSE YOU CAME IN ME!
I FUCKING REMEMBER THAT NIGHT.
I ASKED IF I COULD COME, YOU SAID YES, I COULD COME.
ON MY TITS!
FOUR HUNDRED AND FUCKING FIFTY DOLLARS!
I DON'T HAVE THAT MONEY ON ME.
YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT?
SHE GOT THIS NAIL SALON OUT FRONT, RIGHT,
BUT YOU GO TO THE BACK, SHE GOT THE ABORTION CLINIC.
COME ON. GET THE HELLS FROM OUT OF HERE.
GET YOUR NAILS DONE AT THE SAME TIME. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
PEDICURE, JUMP OFF, EVERYTHING.
IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
HE'S A FERTILE LITTLE FUCKER, OKAY?
YOU'RE PREGNANT?
SHIT. YOU THINK I GOT THIS MOTHERFUCKING PAID
FROM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT?
FUCK! FUCK!
AFTER THAT NIGHT, I NEVER HEARD FROM YOU.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN TAKING THE TRAIN,
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M HERE ABOUT.
YOU SEE, I'M PREGNANT.
DON'T BE UPSET, DARLING. THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS.
YOU CAN MOVE IN WITH ME. WE'RE GONNA HAVE LOTS OF CHILDREN,
BIG FAMILY, STRONG SONS.
I GOTTA GO.
I'VE HAD THIS ONE FANTASY FOR THE LONGEST TIME.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT.
OH, COME FUCKING ON!
( sighs ) MARSHMALLOWY GOODNESS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S MY FAVORITE CEREAL. JUST SAYING.
THANK GOD. ( sighs )
I NEED A DRINK. DO YOU HAVE ANY VODKA?
YEAH. YEAH?
YEAH, LET ME GO GET SOME.
AND, YOU KNOW, WE LOVE YOU TO DEATH,
AND IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN,
YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS COME BACK TO THE MEETINGS,
AND WE'D ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
MEMORY FOAM. I LOVE IT.
YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON A GOOD NIGHT IN BED.
DO YOU MIND IF I SMOKE?
NO. NO, NO, NO. BY ALL MEANS.
LET ME GO GET AN ASHTRAY.
HEY.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I'M ALL RIGHT, BUT, I DON'T KNOW,
I KIND OF FEEL LIKE THIS ONE IS BIGGER.
YOU CAN'T TELL ANYTHING UNTIL THE CAST IS OFF.
THEY'RE GONNA LOOK SO HOT.
THEY'LL SETTLE IN SOON, CUTIE.
YOU PROMISE? MM-HMM.
OKAY, YOU GUYS, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.
HEY, MAX. YEAH.
PUT HIM ON SPEAKER. YEAH.
Max: I WAS THINKING WE COULD HANG OUT TONIGHT, BABE.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING.
ALL RIGHT, SO, YEAH, YOU KNOW, WE'LL MEET UP,
AND WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN TONIGHT, BABY.
MOTHERFUCKER, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS DOUCHEBAG.
OH, WAIT, CAN YOU BRING YOUR FRIEND GLEN?
OH, YEAH, I'LL BRING HIM. I'M LOOKING AT HIS BIG ASS NOW,
MAKING A TRIPLE-DECKER SANDWICH.
Jasmine: OKAY, BIG KISS. ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S JASMINE? YVONNE'S FRIEND?
THAT'S A DANGEROUS GAME, MAN.
NAH, MAN, LOOK, ACTUALLY IT'S COOL
BECAUSE YVONNE'S IN THE HOSPITAL GETTING HER TITS DONE.
NICE ROTATION, BRO.
AND SHE'S BRINGING A FRIEND JUST FOR YOU!
WHAT?! YEAH, MAN!
YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL. WHAT COLOR IS THAT?
I'M A DIRTY BLONDE.
OHH. HEY, WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER DRINK?
I CAN'T TONIGHT, SWEETIE. IT'S MY TIME OF THE MONTH.
NO, NO, NO. I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T.
THAT'S NOT WHAT WAS TALKING ABOUT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING.
UM, CAN I USE YOUR RESTROOM?
YEAH. UH, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
( beeping )
OHH.
( sighs )
ARE--ARE YOU OKAY? YEAH, IT'S JUST MY MOM.
MY STUPID KID'S ACTING UP, AND I HAVE TO GO AND SEE IT.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE A MOM.
I KNOW, RIGHT? LOOK AT ME.
YOU'RE WAY TOO HOT TO BE A MOM.
EVERYBODY SAYS THAT.
I KNOW. I MEAN, I'M A GOOD MOM.
I SEE MY KID EVERY MONTH.
BUT I'M MORE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
OH, I'M TOTALLY COOL. MY BOYFRIEND ACTUALLY LIVES RIGHT NEXT DOOR, SO...
Glen: SO SERIOUSLY YOU SAID SHE WAS BRINGING SOME FRIENDS?
TWO FRIENDS. TWO FRIENDS?
GRADE A FUCKING TAIL?
TWO TENDERONIES. TWO?
HEY, WHAT'S UP, GIRL?
HELLO. GLEN, THESE ARE MY FRIENDS CANDACE AND DENISE.
HI. HOW ARE YOU? HI.
YOU GUYS LOOK FANTASTIC.
I'M DOING GOOD OBVIOUSLY.
BYE.
BYE, AARON.
( phone vibrating )
HI, HEY, SWEETHEART.
GOT YOUR OWN LITTLE REFUGEE CAMBODIAN OUTFIT ON.
MM-HMM. MMM, YEAH. I LIKE THAT LOOK YOU GOT GOING ON.
LOOK LIKE YOU IN TRAINING MODE. YOU ARE READY FOR ACTION.
I KNOW. I'M A TOUGH GIRL.
I LIKE THESE LITTLE EARRINGS YOU GOT, TOO.
MMM, I LIKE THIS LITTLE THIGH MEAT STICKING OUT RIGHT HERE.
MEAT? GONNA STICK MY FORK IN IT!
ALISSA, AMY, CARMEN.
Glen: WHAT ARE WE HAVING?
LET'S DO SHOTS.
LET'S DO SHOTS. THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
IT'S EARLY. LET'S GET THE PARTY STARTED.
GLEN...
HEY, GRETCHEN. YEAH, WHAT'S UP?
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU... IN PRIVATE.
RIGHT NOW?
IT'S IMPORTANT. NOW.
OKAY. EXCUSE ME, LADIES.
ZELDA. SEND.
OH, IT'S THE TEXT. OH, THIS IS PRICELESS.
"IT'S MAX, AND I'M HORNY.
"WHICH ONE OF MY BITCHES IS UP RIGHT NOW,
"READY FOR A FACELOAD OF JIZZ?
I GOT THE BEER."
OH, MY GOD. THAT IS SO EPIC.
WHO DO YOU THINK THIS WENT OUT TO?
KNOWING WENDY, PROBABLY EVERY SINGLE FEMALE IN HIS PHONE.
( beeping )
FUCKING ASSCLOWN!
THANK YOU.
NO, I'M GOOD.
BUT WE USED A CONDOM.
( sighs ) IT BROKE SOMETIMES, REMEMBER?
BECAUSE YOU WERE "TOO BIG"?
THANK YOU.
OH, MY GOD. LET ME SEE.
PERVERT!
FIVE MINUTES?!
UM, NO, NO, NO, IT'S FINE. TAKE YOUR TIME.
UM, I'M JUST GOING TO BE STRAIGHTENING UP.
OKAY. OKAY, BYE.
FUCK!
LOOK AT THAT KNEE. MMM.
UM, I HAVE TO GO.
WHAT? YEAH.
YOU GOTTA GO? MM-HMM.
WHY?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. GIRL STUFF. COME ON.
GIRL STUFF? NO, YOU DID NOT JUST KISS ME ON MY FOREHEAD.
$500.
$500? I KNOW.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OF IT?
NO, I DON'T HAVE ANY OF IT.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TALKING TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, I COULD ASK MY MOM,
BUT SHE WANTS GRANDKIDS, SO WHAT... GOD.
DID YOU DO ANY, LIKE, SHOPPING AROUND?
IT'S MY VAGINA!
( phone rings )
Text voice: IT'S MAX.
IT'S FROM MAX!
"TEXT TO LANDLINE" MESSAGE. IT'S MAX.
IT'S A "TEXT TO LANDLINE" MESSAGE.
...AND READY FOR A FACELOAD OF JIZZ?
WHAT IDIOTS. THEY TOTALLY DESERVED IT.
( beeping )
OH...
MOMMY, WHAT'S "JIZZ" MEAN?
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FILTH?
MAX.
( phone vibrates and rings )
PICK UP!
SCHOOL'S OUT, AARON.
JOHNNY...I FUCKED UP.
OKAY, RELAX.
ALL RIGHT, MR. "PERFECT BOYFRIEND,"
LOOK, JUST STOP AND THINK. WHAT DID SHE TOUCH?
Johnny: DID SHE DRINK ANYTHING? CHECK FOR LIPSTICK.
WHAT ABOUT CIGARETTES? WAS SHE SMOKING?
CHECK THE BED. TAKE A LINT ROLLER TO THE BED.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
JUST LOOK AROUND CAREFULLY.
LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.
HI.
MMM, LUCKY YOU WERE JUST AROUND THE CORNER!
HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?
NO. NO.
WHAT ARE YOU--NO.
OH, MY GOD.
SHIT.
( phone ringing )
YOU WERE RIGHT.
HE JUST HAD SOME MENSTRUATING WHORE OVER HERE!
COME ON, SWEETIE. YOU KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.
I KNOW. I JUST...
I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD HAPPEN SO SOON.
I MEAN, I REALLY, REALLY LIKED HIM.
YEAH, SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM. I THINK IT'S COOL.
UH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, MAN. SERIOUSLY YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
NO PROBLEM, BUT, DUDE, IF YOU INSIST ON HAVING A GIRLFRIEND--
NO, NO, NO. I WASN'T EVEN GOING TO DO ANYTHING, DUDE. PLUS, SHE WAS ON HER PERIOD.
HER PERIOD. DID YOU CHECK THE BATHROOM?
OH, FUCK! OH, SHIT!
HE'S A BOY. BOYS WOULD FUCK A STICK OF BUTTER IF THEY COULD.
HE'S BASICALLY AS FAITHFUL AS THE OPTIONS OPEN TO HIM.
I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
NO. DON'T DO A THING.
YOU'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY COMING UP NEXT WEEKEND, DON'T YOU?
YES.
OKAY, CLEAN UP THE BLOOD, DRY YOUR EYES,
AND PRETEND LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
WE ARE GOING TO TURN THIS WHOLE THING AROUND.
OKAY. CAN I COME BACK TO THE MEETINGS?
OF COURSE YOU CAN, SWEETIE.
COME NEXT WEEK, WE'LL GET YOU TASSELED IN, AND WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN.
OH, AND YVONNE'S GOING TO BE UNVEILING HER NEW BOOBIES!
GOOD. I CANT WAIT.
THANKS.
HEY, GUYS.
GIRL, WHAT'S UP?
HOW DID IT GO? HOW DID IT GO?
AWESOME!
GET DOWN! YEAH, WE DID!
WE SENT THE TEXT MESSAGE FROM HELL!
I'M SORRY I WASN'T THERE.
( all speaking at once )
THEY KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE. ABSOLUTELY.
BABE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
( sadly ) YES.
ARE YOU CRYING?
NO. IT'S MY ALLERGIES.
SO, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY?
UM, WHAT ABOUT THAT LITTLE RESTAURANT YOU LIKE DOWNTOWN?
YEAH. WHAT ABOUT MAUI?
( grunts )
WHERE YOU BEEN AT, MAN?
BEEN AT THE FUCKING ATM.
THIS IS... THIS IS DEEP SHIT, MAN.
SHIT. YOU GOT NO IDEA, MAN. I BEEN GETTING SOME CRAZY ASS TEXT MESSAGES.
YEAH? ( phone ringing )
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MOM?
WE ARE THE LADIES OF THE T.O.B.
WITH THE BOOTY THAT THEY WANT
BUT THIS SHIT AIN'T CHEAP
WE NEED MORE JEWELRY AND TIGS FOR RELAXIN'
TANNING BOOTHS AND SILICON AND INTIMATE WAXIN'
WE NEVER HAVE TO PAY 'CAUSE WE GOT THESE
TIG OLD BITTIES, WE RUN THIS CITY
COURTNEY'S IN OUR GANG 'CAUSE SHE'S GOT TIG BITTIES
( cheering )
YOU DODGED A BULLET, MY FRIEND.
$450 FOR AN ABORTION, OR 18 YEARS OF CHILD SUPPORT?
THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY.
YEAH, THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
NOW, COURTNEY, THAT WAS THE EASY PART,
BUT TIME TO JUMP YOU IN!
( cheering )
( chanting ) COURTNEY, COURTNEY, COURTNEY...
( cheering, screaming )
ONCHIE! ONCHIE!
AND WHAT ARE YOU SO MISERABLE ABOUT?
YOU GOT LUCKY, TOO.
I KNOW. I JUST FEEL BAD.
WHY? 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET TO FUCK
THAT CENTERFOLD YOU "HELPED"?
DID THEY PAY UP? MOSTLY.
GOD, I'VE FUCKED SOME CHEAP BASTARDS.
BUT WE DID MAKE SOME MONEY, RIGHT, WENDY?
WELL, BECAUSE OF YOU, GRETCHEN, $2000!
HOLLA! HOLLA! NICE.
DUDE, SHE ASKED ME TO TAKE HER TO HAWAII FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
( laughing )
YOU'RE 25. YOU DON'T NEED ALL THAT!
NO, I KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD PROBABLY CALL HER, MAN,
AND MAKE THINGS A BIT LESS FORMAL.
CALL HER.
( laughing )
( phone vibrating )
OH, IT'S THE BOY. SHALL I DITCH IT?
NO. TAKE IT. THIS IS GONNA BE EPIC.
YEAH, AND FIND OUT WHAT HIS LITTLE FRIENDS ARE DOING.
OKAY.
HELLO?
WHERE IS YVONNE?
I ALWAYS DITCH THEM ALL EVERY SIX MONTHS.
IT'S VERY LIBERATING.
ALL EXCEPT THE ONE YOU LOVED.
COME ON, DUDE, WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT, MAN.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US WHAT HAPPENED?
( crying )
THEY'RE PARTYING!
ONE IS EXCITED BECAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO HAVE A KID,
AND THE OTHER ONE HAS A BUNCH OF DATES LINED UP,
AND AARON WANTS TO MAKE THINGS "LESS FORMAL."
OHH... OHH...
WHAT'S THE MATTER, SWEETHEART?
SHOW THEM.
( sniffling )
( crying )
( women gasping )
OHH! WHAT?! OH, MY GOD!
HE SAID THAT ONE OF THE IMPLANTS WAS CRACKED
AND THAT THEY DIDN'T NOTICE UNTIL THEY WERE GONNA IMPLANT IT.
DICK. ASSHOLE!
WHEN IS HE GONNA DO THE OTHER ONE?
HE SAID BOOKED ALL MONTH,
BUT HE WANTS TO TAKE ME TO VEGAS NEXT WEEK!
SNEAKY LITTLE BASTARD!
AND LOOK WHAT HE GAVE HER FOR HER SCAR TISSUE.
LOOK WHAT HE GAVE ME FOR THE SCAR TISSUE.
KELOCOTE.
JOHNNY EYELASH.
WAIT. AARON HAS A FRIEND NAMED JOHNNY.
SO DOES MAX.
SO DOES GLEN, AND HE'S ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT HOW COOL HE IS.
WHO IS THIS JOHNNY EYELASHES?
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HIS FAGGY LITTLE FINGERPRINTS
WERE ALL OVER THIS.
HE WAS PULLING THE STRINGS ALL ALONG.
WHO IS THIS JOHNNY EYELASH, AND WHY IS HE RUINING MY LIFE?
HE'S A BOY THAT I... WE USED TO DATE.
Max: SHE WAS AMAZING.
I WAS IN NEW YORK.
WE WERE YOUNG, WE WERE LIVING TOGETHER,
AND I WAS REALLY IN LOVE WITH HER. I WAS REALLY HAPPY.
Little Wendy: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I COULD LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH.
Big Wendy: I KNEW HIM, TOO. THAT'S HOW WE MET.
HE HAS A LONG HISTORY WITH THIS GANG.
HE'S THE REASON WHY WE STARTED THE T.O.B.
YEAH, WHAT DOES T.O.B. STAND FOR?
I WAS REALLY INTO HER,
BUT SHE WAS A FUCKING PSYCHO NIGHTMARE.
I MEAN, THIS CHICK WAS BATS.
Little Wendy: I'D BEEN DATING HIM FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
I WAS YOUNG AND IN LOVE. WE HAD JUST MOVED IN TOGETHER.
IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS IN SPRING
WHERE YOU JUST WANT TO STAY OUTSIDE ALL DAY.
Johnny: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU EVER LIVED IN NEW YORK,
BUT THERE'S THAT ONE DAY IN SPRING
WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, BAM--
TITTIES AND MIDRIFFS EVERYWHERE.
Little Wendy: SO WE'RE HAVING A NICE WALK
WHEN THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL WALKS PAST.
IT WAS WENDY.
I WAS YOUNG AND UNPREPARED FOR IT,
THEN THIS SMOKING CHICK WALKED PAST,
WITH TITTIES FROM HELL.
I MEAN, BIG ONES, BRAND-NEW, OUT ON DISPLAY,
SO I CATCH HER OUT THE CORNER OF MY EYE.
TIG OLD BITTIES!
Little Wendy: AND THIS WAS BEFORE I HAD MY BOOBS,
SO I WAS LITTLE BIT MORE SENSITIVE ABOUT IT BACK THEN.
Johnny: SHE JUST WENT FUCKING CRAZY.
SO LATER THAT NIGHT WE WERE AT THIS CLUB, RIGHT?
AND I SEE THIS CHICK AGAIN.
SO WE WENT INTO ONE OF THOSE UNISEX BATHROOMS.
ANYWAYS, I'M IN THE STALL,
AND I'M GETTING A BLOWJOB, RIGHT?
AND SHE JUST BUST RIGHT IN.
Little Wendy: I SAW WENDY IN THERE,
AND I DIDN'T KNOW HER NAME, SO I JUST SCREAMED,
"TIG OLD BITTIES! THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND."
Johnny: AND THE OTHER ONE, SHE SPAT ON ME--
MY OWN JIZZ!
YEAH, AND IT DOES BURN, BY THE WAY.
BUT WENDY WAS NICE. SHE DIDN'T KNOW.
SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY, AND WE BECAME FRIENDS.
AND WE ENDED UP MEETING FABIO
AND HAVING THIS CRAZY THREEWAY BACK AT THE HOTEL.
( women laughing )
FABIO!
OH, WENDY, DON'T WORRY.
THERE'S PLENTY OF FABIO TO GO AROUND.
FUNNY THING, THEY WERE BOTH CALLED WENDY.
WENDY? THAT CHICK THAT CAME OVER
AND NEARLY GOT ME BUSTED WAS NAMED WENDY.
YEAH, YVONNE'S ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT THE WENDYS.
WENDYS! OF COURSE.
IT WAS THEM ALL ALONG. THOSE LITTLE BITCHES.
JOHNNY EYELASH.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIM DOWN ONCE AND FOR ALL.
HE STARTED ALL THIS, AND WE'RE GONNA FINISH IT.
BUT TO DO IT, WE NEED TO MOVE TO A NEW STAGE OF OUR LIVES.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS, WENDY.
YES, I DO. THE NUCLEAR OPTION.
JOHNNY! HOW ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT'S UP, BRO?
THANK YOU. YOU GOT IT.
JOHNNY EYELASH. COME OVER HERE.
OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU TWO WANT?
OH, JOHNNY EYELASH. ALWAYS THE CHARMER, AREN'T YA?
EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE CHEATING ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT IS THIS, ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR LITTLE SCHEMES
TO PULL OVER ON ME AND MY BOYS?
NO. CALM DOWN.
WE'RE JUST EXTENDING AN OLIVE BRANCH. OH, REALLY?
COME AND SIT OVER HERE, JOHNNY.
I'M OKAY RIGHT HERE, THANKS.
OUCH. OUCH.
VODKA GIMLET, RIGHT?
THANK YOU.
SO HOW IS THE BOOB CREAM BUSINESS?
IT'S GOING WELL, ACTUALLY. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
AND HOW IS YOUR "WORK" GOING?
GOOD. YEAH?
WE HAVE A HOUSE. SERIOUSLY?
YEAH. AND A COMMITTEE.
YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THE COMMITTEE. AND A BUNCH OF GIRLS.
SO WHAT, ARE YOU GUYS DRINKING, TOO? OR AM I ON MY OWN?
COME ON, COME SIT OVER HERE. OKAY.
UHH.
SO, JOHNNY, YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE FIRST MET, RIGHT?
YEAH, I REMEMBER.
LET'S DO A TOAST.
OF COURSE I REMEMBER. YOU WERE SO HOT.
ALL RIGHT, A TOAST.
( all speaking at once )
TO NEW TIMES. AND OLD TIMES.
IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
IT WASN'T MY FINEST MOMENT, SORRY.
YOU WANNA GET COZY, PLEASE? ALL RIGHT.
WENDY, TELL HIM.
YEAH, WENDY, TELL HIM.
WE WANT A BABY.
( laughs )
SERIOUSLY?
YEAH. WE'RE SICK OF ALL THE PARTIES
AND TRYING TO FIND THE PERFECT GUY.
YOU WANT ME TO GET ONE OF YOU TWO PREGNANT?
WENDY AND I LIKE EACH OTHER.
A LOT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
BUT WE BOTH STILL LIKE DICK.
SO HERE'S WHAT WE'RE THINKING.
WHY DON'T WE POOL OUR RESOURCES,
AND THE THREE OF US MOVE IN TOGETHER?
THE THREE OF US LIVE TOGETHER?
UH-HUH. OH, MY GOD.
WE ALL SLEEP TOGETHER,
BUT THE DEAL IS NONE OF US THREE
CAN SLEEP WITH ANYBODY ELSE.
AND TO KEEP THE BOND STRONG,
YOU HAVE TO MARRY ONE OF US, AND GET THE OTHER ONE PREGNANT.
OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE... MARRY?
UH-HUH. DON'T YOU WANT A SON?
AND YOU GET TO SHOW US BOTH OFF, ONE ON EACH ARM.
AND YOU GET YOUR CHOICE OF SIX HOLES.
EVERY NIGHT. EVERY NIGHT.
WE WILL FUCK YOU INTO LITTLE PIECES.
IN HALF.
UPSIDE-DOWN.
THIS IS BULLSHIT. I WANNA GO FIRST. HE LIKES ME BETTER.
I WANT TO SUCK IT. NO, I WANT TO SUCK IT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, LADIES!
BULLSHIT, YOU WENT LAST NIGHT.
YOU SUCKED IT FIRST THIS MORNING. IT'S MY TURN.
OKAY, OKAY, LADIES, DON'T BE GREEDY.
YOU CAN SHARE, ALL RIGHT?
YOU GET THE LEFT SIDE, YOU GET THE RIGHT SIDE.
ONE BALL EACH.
AND, GO.
( women giggling )
OKAY. WHOA, SLOW IT DOWN.
BUT YOU CAN'T CHEAT. NEVER.
OR YOU'LL PAY. NO WAY.
LOOK, I COULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER THIS KIND OF AN ARRANGEMENT.
AND I WOULD NEVER CHEAT.
NEVER. NO WAY.
Max: WITHIN THREE MONTHS,
THE FIRST PART OF THEIR PLAN WAS COMPLETE.
HE WAS MARRIED TO ONE, GOT THE OTHER ONE PREGNANT,
AND THEY ALL LIVED UNDER THE SAME ROOF.
AND FOR A WHILE, JOHNNY WAS FAITHFUL
AND HAPPY WITH HIS SIX-HOLE ARRANGEMENT.
BUT THESE GIRLS WERE SNEAKY.
IT WAS ALL JUST A SETUP
FOR THE FINAL PHASE OF THE NUCLEAR OPTION.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
THIS IS A GOOD THING.
I KNOW. THIS IS A GREAT THING!
OHH. VERONICA?
YEAH, OPERATION CHEATING HEART IS A GO.
TELL HER TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
NOT THAT HE'S GONNA TAKE IT, BUT...
GO EASY ON HIM, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, VERONICA, SO BASICALLY YOU'RE GOING TO APPLY IT TO THE WHOLE SCAR
AND JUST WAIT FOR IT TO DRY BEFORE YOU GET DRESSED.
IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE. HERE, LET ME.
UM, WHICH ONE SHOULD I PUT IT ON?
BOTH.
I THINK I PUT TOO MUCH.
THAT'S FINE. JUST APPLY A THIN LAYER.
NOT SURE I'M DOING IT PROPERLY. JOHNNY?
OKAY.
( moaning, laughs )
NOW I GET IT. OH, SO GOOD.
IT'LL FORM A PROTECTIVE SEAL OVER THE EPIDERMIS.
YOU'RE SO CLEVER, JOHNNY.
VERONICA, I DON'T SEE A SCAR.
WHAT?
THERE'S NO SCAR.
THERE'S A LITTLE SLIT.
THERE'S A SLIT? WHERE?
HERE.
HEY
FUCK IT.
Max: THOSE BITCHES GOT JOHNNY GOOD.
THEY HAD HIM CHEATING ON VIDEO,
AND WHEN THE JUDGE SAW THE TAPE,
HE GAVE HALF HIS SHIT TO LITTLE WENDY FOR ALIMONY,
AND THE OTHER HALF TO BIG WENDY FOR CHILD SUPPORT.
AND NOW THEY LIVE VERY COMFORTABLY.
AND DAMN...THAT WAS ONE WELL-DRESSED BABY!
BUT JOHNNY MADE THE BEST OF IT.
HE PIMPED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT KID.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
MY PLEASURE. YOU LOOK GREAT, BY THE WAY.
Max: GLEN TRIED TO FOLLOW IN JOHNNY'S FOOTSTEPS...
...HOW MUCH YOU'VE SPENT ON IT...
BUT NOT EVERYONE'S GOT THE TOUCH.
IT'S JUST A SERVICE I PROVIDE MY CLIENTS.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
EW, APPLY THEM ON YOUR OWN TITS!
WELL, BUT I HAVEN'T HAD A BOOB JOB.
Max: YVONNE FINALLY GOT HER OTHER TITTY.
IT'S ALREADY PAID FOR ITSELF.
LOOK AT THEM TITTIES!
WHAT THE FUCK!
Max: HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS STILL RAGE.
( blows whistle ) EVERYBODY, OUT!
YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH THE T.O.B.
LET'S GO, GIRLS.
WELL, I FEEL A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAT YOU'RE SORRY...
THE WENDYS EVENTUALLY CAME CLEAN ABOUT THE FRAME JOB,
AND COURTNEY QUIT THE T.O.B.
I JUST FOUND THEM. EW.
AGAINST JOHNNY'S ADVICE,
AARON FESSED UP ABOUT THE GIRL AT THE PARTY.
TURNS OUT HE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO "MADE A MISTAKE."
I FUCKING CHEATED ON YOU, TOO, SO THERE! WHAT?!
WITH THE WENDYS OUT OF THE PICTURE,
LOVE WAS ABLE TO FIND A WAY.
AND THAT'S WHY WE HAVING THIS BANGING-ASS BACHELOR PARTY!
YOU KNOW, YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO FIND A GOOD ONE, AND I FOUND A GOOD ONE.
YOU DID. I GOTTA ADMIT, YOU DID. SHE'S A COOL CHICK.
THANKS, MAN. I LOVE YOU, MAN.
I KNOW I GIVE YOU A HARD TIME, MAN,
BUT I THINK IT'S COOL THAT YOU GUYS ARE GETTING MARRIED.
LET'S GET DOWN, MAN.
Max: AND ME... I'VE GOT A DRINK IN ONE HAND,
A JOINT IN THE OTHER, CHICKS ARE JOCKING ME,
MY BEST FRIEND'S MARRYING A GREAT GIRL,
AND I'M IN THE SHOWER WITH FOUR BUTT-ASS NAKED CHICKS!
CAN IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT?
I LOVE MY LIFE!
HEY
"H," "O"
DOUBLE "L," "Y"
"W," "O," "O," "D"
HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
"H," "O"
DOUBLE "L," "Y"
"W," "O," "O," "D"
HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
"H," "O"
DOUBLE "L," "Y"
"W," "O," "O," "D"
HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
"H," "O"
DOUBLE "L," "Y"
"W," "O," "O," "D"
HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
GRRREEDY
IT'S THE KOREATOWN ODDITY
OBVIOUSLY THEY'LL PUT YOU UP
ON THIS WHOLE HOLLYWOOD THING
SPECIFICALLY THE SEX WARS
GOT STRIPPERS STACKED ON TOP OF US
BUT THIS IS NOT CONNECT FOUR
IT'S STRIP TWISTER
NOW WE PARTY UP
BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS LIKE THIS
WHEN CHICKS WAS MORE FRIGID
THAN INTENSE WINTERS AND ANTARCTICA
BUT EVER SINCE WE GOT ALL OF THE KNOWLEDGE FROM
JOHNNY EYELASH, SLOWLY AS THE TIME PASSED
WE FELT BON VIVANTS
YOU KNOW, MACADOCIOUS
WITH THESE BROADS UPON OUR NUTS
SO THE WENDYS GOT BEEF
AND THEY DON'T WANT IT ON TWO BUNS
THEY'RE THE CAPTAINS OF CLUB T.O.B.'s
HOLLYWOOD CHICK ALLIANCE
WE GO BACK AND FORTH
LIKE PING-PONG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS IN CHINA
WITH THE ABORTION EXTORTION
AND THE NUCLEAR OPTION
TO MAKE US BOYS WANNA FORFEIT
AND LOOK STUPID IN THE PROCESS
BUT I'M STILL SQUEEZING BREASTESES
YOUR GUESS IS I'M A PLASTIC SURGEON
NOT EXACTLY, BUT THEY DEFINITELY
GOT MY PACKAGE TURGID, TURGID, TURGID...
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